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January 14, 2001



Gore Calls for Recount in Afghan Election

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - In a press conference today, former vice president and current college professor Al Gore called for "immediate and thorough recounts" in the recent Afghan presidential election. Gore, who entered the election in a virtual dead heat with newly-elected interim Afghan leader Hamid Karzai, called the election a "travesty," citing: "By Allah, these ballot design injustices shall not stand. My brothers, the ballots must be counted a fourth time." Gore plans to appeal to "several local warlords" to resolve the dispute quickly and efficiently with a minimum of bloodshed.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)



Dave Thomas Buried with Fondness, Bacon, Tomatoes

UPPER ARLINGTON, OH (DPI) -- Dave Thomas, known to millions as the portly spokesperson and founder of the Wendy's fast food chain, was remembered Saturday at a private service. Hundreds of friends and family watched as Thomas was laid to rest in a casket under heat lamps at the front of the Upper Arlington, Ohio church Thomas attended for much of his life. The casket was then passed through the church's drive-through window along with a large Frosty and fries, and transported to a nearby cemetery, where he was laid to rest under a tombstone etched with the epitaph "Here's The Beef". Thomas is survived by a legacy of "Biggie" sized Americans.

(Reported by Greg Preece)



Virgin Mary to Cut Appearance Dates

GUADALUPE, MEXICO (DPI) - The Virgin Mary, speaking from a press conference at the Guadeloupe Holiday Inn, announced that she will be taking a leave of absence from appearances in the year 2002. Warming up the crowd by quipping, "Hey, they have room for me here at the Inn!", the mother of Christ expressed a desire to spend more time with her family. "It's not that I don't love touring, but week after week of appearing in wooden doors, statues and bowls of oatmeal is draining. I've been putting off some side projects and spending too much time away from home. After reading about Celine Dion taking a break to be with her son, I just realized it was time for me to step back as well."

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)



Remaining Enron Stockholder Now CEO

HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Enron's final remaining stockholder, 57-year-old Robert Cook of Boise, Idaho, has been appointed President and CEO of the energy-trading giant. Records show that Mr. Cook bought the company using the online trading firm Ameritrade and $367.34 he won from a scratch-lottery ticket. Enron, whose stock price has dropped $90 from its August 2000 high, has filed for bankruptcy and as the sole owner, Mr. Cook will individually handle the company's bankruptcy procedure, turnaround plan and debt restructuring. SEC officials are currently trying to track down Mr. Cook, who left his home Thursday without a forwarding note. He is thought to be in Mexico.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson and Travis Ruetenik)



Actor Don Adams Detained at LAX For Suspicious Footwear

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Noted actor and comedian Don Adams, best known for his portrayal of the bumbling Maxwell Smart on the television series Get Smart, was detained and questioned today at Los Angeles International Airport for attempting to board a plane while wearing suspicious shoes. An LAX spokesman commented "after the incident last month, we're taking no chances." The 75-year-old Adams was tackled and beaten as he passed through the concourse on Sunday afternoon and reportedly offered no resistance as his shoes were removed by a squad of airport commandos. A second suspect, identified only as "Hymie," was detained after numerous failures to pass metal detector screening.

(Reported by Bojean LaChance)




First Dog's Death Attributed to "Vast Right-Wing Pickup Truck"

Yves Saint Laurent Steps Down from Haute Couture, Breaks Hip

Pittsburgh, PA Salesman Picks Half Soup and Salad, Nose

Two Dead in Razor Gang/Ginger Gang Turf War

Female Moviegoers Praise Russell Crowe for A Beautiful Mind, Ass

Census To Track Raymond-Loving

Clapton Marries George Harrison's Widow

More headlines




Alan Greenspan Project Promises to Rock Your Stocks Off


Bush Proposes New Potential Energy Sources: Heavy Objects to be Placed Higher Up




Idiotic Commercial Assault to Continue

PLANO, TX (DPI) - At a company press conference Friday, the new 7-Up Spokesman promised to continue to annoy, irritate and otherwise inconvenience television watchers at least as much as Orlando Jones had in the past. "Orlando managed to set a very high bar for inanity, but I am confident that with dedication, effort, and moronic facial expressions I can reach that bar, and perhaps even surpass it." Over the course of his reign as spokesman, Jones managed to pack well over a minute's worth of idiocy into many 30 second spots, a feat typically reserved for collect call services spokespersons.

(Reported by R.M. Weiner)



Stripper's Lips Near Bursting Point

AUSTIN, TX (DPI) - Like two fat bloated leeches bright red from the blood of some hellish freak-show clown, Austin-area stripper Candi Sleek's lips bulged dangerously near the breaking point last night, it was reported. Witnesses at Austin's Gunslinger Gentleman's Club reported that the stripper's gorged lips were "throbbing and quivering" under the hydraulic pressure of a recent series of injections at a nearby clinic. Pursing grotesquely from the front of her surgically-embellished face, the lips were frighteningly close to a painful and tragic rupture. In 1999, three people were injured when a labial breach in San Jose, California showered a group of bachelor-party revelers in hot ass-fat.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)





Clinton to Stay Late After Congress

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- In a growing sign of the discontent over President Bill Clinton's actions, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich on Monday ordered President Clinton to "stay late after Congress, and think about what he's done, and how he's hurt his friends and family." No word was given over whether Clinton had to sit quietly by himself, or was allowed to do his homework. Everyone else in Congress will get the rest of the day off to go to assembly and then go outside and play kickball. The Daily Probe was unable to confirm related rumors that Vice President Al Gore was forced to stay in and clean erasers.

(Reported by Chris Troise)



  World News
¤ Bush Frustrated by Inability to Find bin Laden, Waldo
¤ Afghanistan Boasts Lowest Beheading Rate in Months
¤ Taliban POW Captain Scores Wacky Camp Commandant's Cigars, Secretary
¤ Chunks of Guy Like You Found in Rumsfeld's Stool

  Domestic News
¤ Ford Lays Off Thousands; Michael Moore Working Again
¤ Study: Maybe You Should Shut Your Fucking Trap, Dickhead
¤ Apple Claims New iMac to Make Computing Cleaner, Prettier
¤ Thousands Gather in Detroit for Auto Show, Frostbite, Urban Blight
¤ Lieberman: Joust, Berzerk Encourage Violence in 30 Year Olds
¤ McDonalds' New Blackholeburger Features Special Sauce, Infinite Mass

  Local News
¤ "Man's Best Friend" Status In Jeopardy After Major Dump Found in Shoe
¤ Tongue Brush Purchaser Discovers He Could've Just Used His Fucking Toothbrush
¤ Junior High Kid's Been in That Bathroom for a While Now
¤ Sex-Toy Christmas Gift Still Awkward, Unused
¤ Mezzanine Barfly Scanning Room for Lower-Level Men

  Entertainment
¤ Star Wars Episode II Sellout Prompts Episode III Lineup
¤ Mariah Carey Announces "I'm a Fucking Schizo" Tour, CD, Movie
¤ Critics: Ali Completely Ignores Gay Relationship with Frazier
¤ CSNY Rename Selves 'N SYC, Sell Out 417-Date Tour
¤ Bin Laden Wins Survivor

  Sports
¤ Olympics Start Next Month; Big Fucking Whoop
¤ Tupelo Wins Big in Smudge.com Asparagus Bowl
¤ Knicks Trounce Lakers 37-29 in Post Pot-Test Matchup




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