Should Auld Acquaintance be Forgot,
Give Frank Haskins the Auld Lang Shaft
by Frank Haskins
When you're Frank Haskins, New Year's Eve usually
consists of passing out in front of the tube, covered
in Cheet-o's crumbs and surrounded by empty Pabst Blue
Ribbon cans. The festivities usually conclude around
4:00 A.M., when I'm awakened by a phone call from one
of my kids, who needs me to come downtown and bail
them out of the County Hilton.
So this year, after seeing a Tony Robbins
infomercial, I decided to "take control of my life,"
and set an achievable goal for myself. I figured I'd
try to jump-start my social life again, and get a date
for New Year's Eve.
So a "buddy" at work, the same asshole who steals my
lunch out of the break room fridge every week, gives me
the name of a "great website" for meeting eligible
women. I figure, what the fuck, that's how my
soon-to-be-ex-wife met her new beau, that
anesthesiologist/bodybuilder guy with the BMW. Sure
enough, in no time, I meet "Sheila" online and we've
got a date for New Year's Eve. Things are finally
looking up for Frank Haskins.
So we meet at this place she likes. Already I'm
getting fucked over, because it's New Year's Eve, so
the place is serving us glorified TV dinners at
white-glove prices. And I'm nervous because I haven't
been on a real date since ex dumped me at my prom for
the football team, so I'm pounding Boilermakers, one
after another. Then I notice something on Sheila that
shouldn't be on a woman: an Adam's apple. Suddenly,
the whole night made sense: the name of the website
where I met Sheila (www.bicuriousguys.com), "her" five
o'clock shadow, the name of the place ("The Peter
Principle"), and the place's house band, a tribute to
Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
By then, the Boilermakers caught up with me and the
rest of the night was a blur. The next thing I
remember, it's 1:30 in the afternoon, I've got a
splitting headache and there's a single red rose on
my nightstand. What a way to start the new year, as
the Ned Beatty of the new millennium.
And I'd like to offer a special New Year's message to
Tony Robbins: You can suck my ass... as soon as it's
(Reported by Miles Walker)