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1/14/03

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January 14, 2003



Daily Probe Names Pretzel Choking
As #1 Story of 2002


LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The Daily Probe has chosen the pretzel attack on President Bush as the top news story of 2002. Probe editors labeled major stories such as the DC sniper shootings, corporate accounting scandals, and the U.S./Iraq situation as, in the words of one high-level staffer, "over-hyped and overrated." President Bush's pretzel-induced injuries, on the other hand, demonstrated how vulnerable America still is even after 9/11. "This near-tragedy revealed that despite the dedication of billions of dollars and thousands of military personnel in the war against terrorism, we still cannot protect our own president's life when he's in the presence of snack foods," said Probe editor-in-chief Travis Ruetenik.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

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(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)


Scientists Taunt Near-Earth Asteroid

PASADENA, Calif. (DPI) - Asteroid 2002 AA29, long studied by scientists for its similar orbit and "Big Pussy" scientific classification, is careening toward earth and may pass within 3.7 million miles on Monday, a taunting NASA spokesman said today. "Bring it on, you 60-meter piece of space shit," said Paul Chodas of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. "I've tracked asteroids 800 times your mass, pansy." Chodas said AA29's estimated one-in-80,000 chance of crossing earth's orbit shows the oblong piece of space debris is "too pussy to show its face in front of the bulk of good old Mother Earth." The official NASA website's Near-Earth Asteroid Taunting page indicates that most of its researchers have had shits bigger than AA29.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Bush Proposes Tax Cut for People with Butlers, Maids

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In an effort to stimulate the economy, President Bush announced plans for a tax cut to benefit taxpayers who employ butlers and maids. While Democrats were quick to criticize the proposal as a "thinly veiled tax break for the wealthy," the president defended the plan as a measure to assist lower-class Americans. "By providing tax relief to those who employ butlers and maids, we will free up cash flow for those same individuals, giving them the ability to hire additional butlers and maids, and even possibly a gardener and chauffeur. This will result in more jobs for working-class Americans."

(Reported by Miles Walker)





N. Korea: "So Where Are All the Dog-Eating Jokes Now, Motherfucker?"

Townshend Announces Kids Are Alright Tour With Boy George, Kid Rock, Lil' Kim

Fox Launches Reality Dating Series Joe Footlong

Lieberman, Edwards Resent "Democrannon Fodder" Label

About Shit Takes Best Picture at Scat Awards

Mysterious Fourth Chord Discovered by Researchers at ZZ Top Institute

Chinese Space Capsule Lands Safely; Chinese Astronauts' Lucky Numbers 8, 14, 37, 44

Poll: Israelis Back New Least-Likely-To-Get-Us-Blown-Up Party

Horrible Moment of Epiphany for Striped Pants/Checkered Shirt Guy

Talk Show Host Has Great Show Tonight

More headlines




Study Confirms Briefs Worn by Pansy Mama's Boys

Towel, Shower Cap Missing From Hotel Room



Black Researchers Discover 1000th Spelling Variation of "Antoine"

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - African-American research scientists at UCLA's Alternative Naming Institute announced on Friday that they have discovered the thousandth known spelling variation of the French name Antoine. Lead researcher Marcus Johnson said the entire team was ecstatic about the find. "We'd almost lost hope due to the long drought after last April's discoveries of 'Antawn,' 'Antwone' and 'Antowain,' so we're delirious about this newly unearthed gem," he said.


(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Man Breaks Resolution Record

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (DPI) - Dan Martin, a group leader at Gatorade, had been telling his friends for three months that as of midnight New Year's Eve, he was resolving to stop sleeping with his neighbor's wife, drinking and smoking pot and cigarettes. Exactly 10 seconds after midnight Jan. 1, Mr. Martin kissed his neighbor's wife, then took her upstairs where they smoked a blunt, had sex, smoked a post-coital cigarette and drank two bottles of champagne, breaking the previous record of 26 seconds after midnight. "I'm glad I got that out of the way," said Martin.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Doughnut Weds Ass in Private Ceremony

BALTIMORE (DPI) - In a quiet ceremony attended by a small group of Chee-tos and a handful of peanut M&Ms, a chocolate frosted doughnut and a woman's ass were married here yesterday. The two met Thursday morning while Arlene Matson, 46, was driving past the Krispy Kreme location on Bel Air Road. After a short courtship, the two were wed by store clerk Alex Fishman, 19. The couple plan to start a family soon, beginning with a few french fries and half a Lindt chocolate bar currently in the bottom of Matson's purse.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Study Confirms Petticoat Junction's Uncle Joe Was Lazy Sack of Shit
New Washington Diet: Lose Weight by Cutting Taxes!
Ms. Feminist Pageant Folds
Bush at Loss to Explain, if Not Puppet, Why Hand Was up Blair's Ass
Iraqi Week Magazine Names Saddam Man of Year for 23rd Time
"Stimulus Package" Enters Double Entendre Hall of Fame
Jackson Vows Even More Batshit Antics in 2003
Ozzie Enunciates


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