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1/14/03 Front Page Features Advice from Gollum Ain't That America? Frank Haskins To-Do List: Rael Moth's Diary Travistan: State of Crisis! Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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 (Graphic by Kevin Wickart) PASADENA, Calif. (DPI) - Asteroid 2002 AA29, long studied by scientists for its similar orbit and "Big Pussy" scientific classification, is careening toward earth and may pass within 3.7 million miles on Monday, a taunting NASA spokesman said today. "Bring it on, you 60-meter piece of space shit," said Paul Chodas of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. "I've tracked asteroids 800 times your mass, pansy." Chodas said AA29's estimated one-in-80,000 chance of crossing earth's orbit shows the oblong piece of space debris is "too pussy to show its face in front of the bulk of good old Mother Earth." The official NASA website's Near-Earth Asteroid Taunting page indicates that most of its researchers have had shits bigger than AA29. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Bush Proposes Tax Cut for People with Butlers, Maids WASHINGTON (DPI) - In an effort to stimulate the economy, President Bush announced plans for a tax cut to benefit taxpayers who employ butlers and maids. While Democrats were quick to criticize the proposal as a "thinly veiled tax break for the wealthy," the president defended the plan as a measure to assist lower-class Americans. "By providing tax relief to those who employ butlers and maids, we will free up cash flow for those same individuals, giving them the ability to hire additional butlers and maids, and even possibly a gardener and chauffeur. This will result in more jobs for working-class Americans." (Reported by Miles Walker)
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 N. Korea: "So Where Are All the Dog-Eating Jokes Now, Motherfucker?" Townshend Announces Kids Are Alright Tour With Boy George, Kid Rock, Lil' Kim Fox Launches Reality Dating Series Joe Footlong Lieberman, Edwards Resent "Democrannon Fodder" Label About Shit Takes Best Picture at Scat Awards Mysterious Fourth Chord Discovered by Researchers at ZZ Top Institute Chinese Space Capsule Lands Safely; Chinese Astronauts' Lucky Numbers 8, 14, 37, 44 Poll: Israelis Back New Least-Likely-To-Get-Us-Blown-Up Party Horrible Moment of Epiphany for Striped Pants/Checkered Shirt Guy Talk Show Host Has Great Show Tonight  Study Confirms Briefs Worn by Pansy Mama's Boys Towel, Shower Cap Missing From Hotel Room  Black Researchers Discover 1000th Spelling Variation of "Antoine" LOS ANGELES (DPI) - African-American research scientists at UCLA's Alternative Naming Institute announced on Friday that they have discovered the thousandth known spelling variation of the French name Antoine. Lead researcher Marcus Johnson said the entire team was ecstatic about the find. "We'd almost lost hope due to the long drought after last April's discoveries of 'Antawn,' 'Antwone' and 'Antowain,' so we're delirious about this newly unearthed gem," he said. (Reported by Tristan Fabriani) Man Breaks Resolution Record GAINESVILLE, Fla. (DPI) - Dan Martin, a group leader at Gatorade, had been telling his friends for three months that as of midnight New Year's Eve, he was resolving to stop sleeping with his neighbor's wife, drinking and smoking pot and cigarettes. Exactly 10 seconds after midnight Jan. 1, Mr. Martin kissed his neighbor's wife, then took her upstairs where they smoked a blunt, had sex, smoked a post-coital cigarette and drank two bottles of champagne, breaking the previous record of 26 seconds after midnight. "I'm glad I got that out of the way," said Martin. (Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz) Doughnut Weds Ass in Private Ceremony BALTIMORE (DPI) - In a quiet ceremony attended by a small group of Chee-tos and a handful of peanut M&Ms, a chocolate frosted doughnut and a woman's ass were married here yesterday. The two met Thursday morning while Arlene Matson, 46, was driving past the Krispy Kreme location on Bel Air Road. After a short courtship, the two were wed by store clerk Alex Fishman, 19. The couple plan to start a family soon, beginning with a few french fries and half a Lindt chocolate bar currently in the bottom of Matson's purse. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) |
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Study Confirms Petticoat Junction's Uncle Joe Was Lazy Sack of Shit | ||
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New Washington Diet: Lose Weight by Cutting Taxes! | ||
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Ms. Feminist Pageant Folds | ||
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Bush at Loss to Explain, if Not Puppet, Why Hand Was up Blair's Ass | ||
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Iraqi Week Magazine Names Saddam Man of Year for 23rd Time | ||
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"Stimulus Package" Enters Double Entendre Hall of Fame | ||
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Jackson Vows Even More Batshit Antics in 2003 | ||
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Ozzie Enunciates | ||
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