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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
The Lord of the Rings:
The Fellowship of the Ring
What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Lord of the Rings, the new
movie starring Elijah Wood and Ian McKellen and directed by Peter
Jackson, the director of Dead Alive and Meet the Feebles. Now I
don't wanna like go off on English shit again like I did with the
Harry Potter review, but have you ever like tried to read that
Tolkien shit? I mean fuck man -- that shit's like reading fucking
Shakespeare, totally. I did see like the cartoon of The Hobbit on
Skinamax once, and that was pretty cool, but I'm totally no good with
like remembering names and it was like totally confusing. Peter
Jackson, though -- what a cool motherfucker. Dead Alive fucking
rules. I was just thinking the other day about that scene where the
dude is like taking on like twenty ghouls with like a push lawnmower,
right? I was telling this dude Andy at work about it, right, and
then Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, totally goes
off on me. She's all like, "This is a restaurant, James. That's like,
inappropriate," and I'm all like, "Relax, Karen, I mean, God,
customers can't like, hear us," and then it totally went like back and
forth. So she gets really super pissed off, like you could see her
fucking evil vegan blood like boiling, right, and her face is getting
really red too except for like the black spotches under her eyes
because she doesn't fucking eat for shit. So before she like
explodes, Dean, who's like everybody's boss, right, he like brings
Karen back to her office and they like talk like forever, and then
she like goes home. So then, Dean brings me in and he's kinda pissed
but I'm totally down with Dean, so long story short, I gotta like try
to be nicer to Karen, she's gotta like try not to give me like so
much shit all the fucking time, and I get my 50 cent raise. I'm
fucking telling you -- sometimes, I feel totally like a genius.
America fucking rules because you can like tell off your boss and
still totally get a raise. I'm thinking I'll like call in sick
tomorrow and like celebrate over a doobie totally as big as my
forearm.
Lord of the Rings looks like it's got no drugs or nudity but like
plenty of violence, so I can highly recommend the flick. Hopefully
they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 9 Js out of a
possible 9 Js. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to Jeff R., Sterling CO: No, YOU GET
BENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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