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Snack Food Mascots Implicated
In Bush Assassination Attempt
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - US Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge today
announced that the US is declaring war on a terrorist group made up of snack
food fundamentalists after last weekend's assassination attempt on President
George W. Bush by a rogue pretzel.
"These people have been living among us, working among us, and providing
Americans with a false sense of security with their salty goodness and tasty
comfort-food facade. They have to be weeded out immediately," declared
Ridge to assembled press at the White House.
According to Ridge, the CIA has identified a group of terrorists, known as
"Frito Laeda," in connection with the attempt. "Frito Laeda" appears to be a
consortium of snack-food mascots led and funded by millionaire-in-exile Mr.
Peanut. Also identified and publicly charged with various crimes are the
following suspects:
- Orville Redenbacher - Wanted in connection with 21 husk-choking incidents in
the past 22 months
- Mr. Pringle - Wanted for the production of 12-ounce pipe bombs
- Chester Cheetah - Wanted for interstate transport of artificial "cheesy"
substances
- Cracker Jack Kid - Charged with hiding important Frito-Laeda documents and
US Naval secrets inside small cardboard boxes.
Also wanted in connection with the group is former Rold Gold spokesperson
Jason Alexander, wanted in connection with setting and releasing the
infamous "Bob Patterson" bomb in late 2001.
(Reported by Greg Preece)
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