CURRENT ISSUE 01/21/03 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? New Feature! Musing With Mitch Frank Haskins Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Young Man Awakens Ancient Bringer of Destruction LOS ANGELES (DPI) - In an incident he is calling "regrettable," 16-year-old Juan Mendez awakened Gorath the Destructor from his slumber in the Bowels of Pain and Ignorance by reading from the Book of the End, which he found in a cave this morning. Mendez, while horrified at having unleashed Gorath's Murderous Hand of Apocalyptic Horror, was nonetheless pleased that he could pronounce all the words written in the ancient Surkalvalkian text, a language no modern man has seen. "I'm having a tough time in Latin class, so I'm hoping I can get extra credit for this before Gorath carries out his sworn oath of sweeping mankind's parasitic existence from the land," said Mendez. Gorath the Destructor snacks on downtown Los Angeles. Authorities have not decided whether to charge Mendez or even bring him in, as their numbers are quickly being decimated by Gorath's fiery mountain-size fists of stone. But ACLU First Amendment attorney Laura Spincotti has already spoken up in his defense. "As someone who deeply fears having Gorath the Destructor inflict the pain of 1,000 deaths upon me before destroying my flesh in an orgy of flame, I understand American's revulsion to incantations which bring forth The End," said Spincotti. But the true test of free speech is not just protecting what you want to hear, but even incantations you do not." The Bush Administration has remained silent on the matter, only noting tersely that it will not be diverting any troops from the Persian Gulf to deal with what is essentially an internal California police matter. The multi-skyscraper-sized Gorath is also keeping mum, choosing to blind reporters with daggers of light and continue his swath of man's total annihilation rather than answer questions. (Reported by Reported by Davejames)
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