American Airlines to Offer
Amenities for Terrorist Subduers
NEW YORK (DPI) - American Airlines became the first US commercial
carrier to introduce "Terrorist Subduing"
and "Non-Terrorist Subduing" seating options for all
passengers today. According to CEO Richard
Towsley, passengers seated in the "Terrorist Subduing"
section will be encouraged to "beat the balls off"
any suspicious-looking fellow passengers on
scheduled commercial flights.
According to Towsley, the bold new strategy is
designed to not only increase revenues but to
improve passenger safety as well. "Let's be real," commented Towsley.
"We all know that the security guards in our
airports are as astute as Sergeant Schultz from
Hogan's Heroes. Some guy pranced right past those
clowns with fuses hanging out of his Reeboks. This new
initiative will provide us with a desperately-needed
second line of defense."
The airline will offer discounted airfares,
non-static-producing headsets, nearly-edible food
and other incentives to entice passengers to sign up
for the new program. Librarian and suburban homemaker
Sandra Henninger was one of the first to volunteer.
"Well normally, I'm something of a pacifist," said Henninger.
"But I'm having a killer bout of PMS this week, and I saw this
as an opportunity to use my uncontrollable hormonal
rage to fight terrorism."
Additionally, the airline will be handing out emergency procedure cards
with instructions on handling "shoe terrorists." Towsley says
the idea is to make catching terrorists fun, and to convince people to
get the entire family involved.
Towsley concedes that the program "still has a few
bugs to be worked out." Yesterday morning, an elderly woman
on a flight to Miami was beaten and hog-tied by four
college football players. According to the airline, the men
thought she was reaching to ignite a fuse, but discovered later she was
trying to pull up her support hose. "We all had a hell of a laugh over
that one," said Towsley.
(Reported by Chuck Sawyer / Graphics by Michael Sheinbaum)