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January 28, 2002



Study: Kmart Practice of Hiring Comatose "Flawed"

CAMBRIDGE, MA (DPI) - Harvard Business School has released a study indicating that Kmart's recent financial troubles can be traced to the company's long-standing practice of hiring people in comas. "It's a fundamental feature of their business model," commented G. Hoagland, co-author of the study. "Kmart found that comatose employees are often less trouble than animated workers, yet can provide the same level of service shoppers have long come to expect" from the retail giant. Problems arose when the comatose began to rise through the organization. "A comatose checker might take 30 minutes to ring up three items, and then drool on the purchase," said Hoagland. "Disgusting, but probably not enough to bring down a retailing empire. But the CFO? Further study is warranted."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)





John Walker Judge Questioned After "Goatfucker" Comment

ALEXANDRIA, VA (DPI) - U.S. Magistrate Judge W. Curtis Sewell may have set the stage for future appeal in the case of John Walker Lindh earlier today when he asked, "Would the traitorous goatfucker please rise?" Observers did not notice the slip at first, but defense counsel brought up the indiscretion in a press conference later that day. "We are also concerned regarding the judge's continued interrogation of my client in open court with questions like, 'So, how'd you find that goat nookie: sweet, or what?'" In his own defense, Sewell countered that, "Under the constitution, every goatfucker is assured a fair trial, and that's just what this black-hearted zombie will get in my courtroom."

(Reported by Martin Bredeck)


White House Reviews Enron, Gives "Two Thumbs Up!"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - After a thorough review by White House staff, investigators are giving the company "two very enthusiastic thumbs up." According to White House Press secretary Ari Fleischer, "We reviewed allegations of insider trading and suppression of evidence and we find them to be very gripping, suspenseful and entertaining for the whole family." Adding, "It had this administration's attention the whole way through," Fleischer suggested that the general public should "run, don't walk" to their local newsstand to read the results of the review.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


Roommates In Standoff Over Mysterious Blue Container

TORONTO, CANADA (DPI) - Roommates Eric Fordiver, 31, and Jeff Hildegard, 28, have been reportedly fighting an ongoing battle of wills about a blue Ziploc container in their refrigerator, the Daily Probe has learned. "I'm not opening it. I didn't even put it in there," claims Fordiver, who estimates the translucent blue container has been in there for at least six months. "I'm afraid to even touch the damn thing." Hildegard, for his part, professes ignorance of the contents of the container as well. He estimates the item's age as "closer to a year," and hypothesized, "It looks like a wedge of really old lasagna, which means it can't be mine, because I don't eat cheese. It could be a date square though." The unknown item refused comment to The Daily Probe, although according to Fordiver, "it's only a matter of time before it evolves the power of speech on its own."

(Reported by Greg Preece)


Terrified Trucker's Bumper Sticker Reads, "How Do I Drive?"

EAU CLAIRE, WI (DPI) - Panicked, screaming first-time driver Mark Burton's bumper sticker turned horribly ironic today as the truck he was trying to steer careened dangerously out of control, according to police. The friendly yet ambiguous "How Do I Drive?" safety message was fitting for an epitaph as the Peterbilt Model 357, which Burton has never driven before in his life, pounded through a series of highway road signs. "How do I drive? How the hell do I driiive???" shouted Burton as the truck's 20,000 pound front axle smashed a tree to splinters. As of press time, the truck was carving a beeline path of death through a nearby cornfield while Burton prayed for someone to call 1 (800) SAFE-RIDE and tell him how to stop the damn thing.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)





Prince Harry Jump-Starts Future "King's No-Good Brother" Role

Rumsfeld Spotted With "Finding Fugitives for Dummies"

Peggy Lee Succumbs To Fever

Survey: 2.5% of America Still Gettin' Jiggy Wid It

Dental Hygienist Inspires Thousandth Boner

Typo Draws 10,000 Sex Toy Vendors to Dido Show

Enron Lead Guitarist Shreds

Ben Named Most Admired Affleckan-American

More headlines




Retro-Mad FOX To Launch That '90s Show

American Airlines to Offer Amenities for Terrorist Subduers

Limbaugh Again Able to Hear; Still Unable to Listen




Argentine Peso to be Linked to Carmen Electra's Breasts

BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA (DPI) - Argentina's President today pinned the country's currency to the rise and fall of Carmen Electra's succulent, perky breasts. "It's a bold move, but we've long since given up on any sort of traditional economic recovery model," said Eduardo Duhalde, the country's 6th president in as many weeks. "The general trend seem to be upward, much like the sweet rise of a tight silk blouse over those lovely, lovely breasts."

(Reported by Aaron Smith)





Guantanamo Prisoners to Humanitarian Groups: Shut Up! Don't Blow it for Us!

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA (DPI) - Suspected Al-Qaeda terrorists held for trial by the United States issued a strongly-worded notice today, asking various human rights organizations to stop condemning the US for its "kickass accommodations." "A month ago, I was freezing my nuggets off," said one Al-Qaeda member. "I was wearing rags in a friggin' cave with nothing to eat but snow. I couldn't do anything about the head lice because our laws forbade me from shaving off my beard. Now, I have three hots and a cot, and a snazzy orange jumpsuit and shaved head just like America's coolest incarcerated rap singers. As far as I'm concerned, these candy-asses should shut the hell up before they blow this great gig."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)





Dateline: May 17, 2000
Greenspan Rolls Back Interest Rate in Britney Spears

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Worried about a possible overheating of Britney Spears mania, Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan today announced a radical 17% cut in the nation's Britney Spears interest rate. Greenspan said although it is a hard pill to swallow, the cut is absolutely essential to "ensuring a prolonged and healthy interest in America's #1 delightfully breasty teen pop queen." Greenspan said, "If we've learned nothing at all from The Spice Girls, it's that we have to act quickly to stop inflation of media hype and balance it out with a healthy amount of disinterest. If we fail in this, we risk nothing less than nationwide Britney Spears burnout."

(Reported by Curtis Matthews)

  World News
¤ English Conservationist Protests Shortage Of Spotted Owl, Dick
¤ Report: Bin Laden May Have Died from Consuming Entire Hickory Farms Holiday Sampler
¤ Flush With Success, Bush Tries "Evil One" Label on Tom Daschle
¤ Hi! How Are You? I Send You This Headline In Order To Have Your Advice

  Domestic News
¤ Senator Hails Legislation, Taxi
¤ Crap Manufacturers Curtail Crap Shipments To Failing K-Mart
¤ Politics: Bush Thinks Ashcroft is a "General"
¤ Connie, Larry to Host Chung King News Hour
¤ Overweight Americans Begin Drafting 2003 Resolutions
¤ Finance Expert Raymond Babbitt Issues Warning: "Kmart Sucks"

  Local News
¤ Goth Chick Desperately Trying to Maintain Gothness After Mild Winter
¤ Husband Unilaterally Spooges in Shower
¤ Mirror-Breaking Dog Gets 49 Years of Bad Luck
¤ Keys Found in Other Pocket

  Entertainment
¤ Chernobyl Times Gives Black Hawk Down 3 Thumbs Up
¤ Thousands In Stitches As Bjork Marries Bjorn Borg
¤ Larry King Passes Dick Clark as Oldest American
¤ The Cunt of Mountme Crisco Voted Best New Porn Film

  Sports
¤ Tyson Delights Press with Origami Swan
¤ Jordan's Estranged Talent Sues for Divorce
¤ Court Rules Minnesota Twins to be Replaced with Olsen Twins
¤ Opinion: Yo, Warner -- Enough of the Jesus Shit, Already!
¤ Cavs Suck




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