Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
Black Hawk Down
What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Black Hawk Down, the new
movie starring Josh Hartnett and Ewan McGregor and directed by Ridley
Scott, the director of Gladiator and Blade Runner. I'm sure I don't
have to tell you how fucking cool Gladiator is so I'll like move on to
Blade Runner, which currently occupies like the number six position on
J.J.'s Top Ten Fucking Movies Ever. First of all, Sean Young like
mid-80's is a total fucking hottie, and then we got Indiana Jones as like
the coolest, totally badass cop ever. I must've seen that flick twenty
times on Skinamax, totally. My best friend Dobie used to like totally
argue that like Harrison Ford is a replicant, like a fake robot dude like
the bad guys were, but I totally shut him up with one like simple question
-- if Harrison Ford is a replicant, right, why would he need to like eat?
In the first scene you see him, he's totally eating noodles. That fucking
shut Dobie up. Every once in a while, I'm like totally insightful.
Anyhow, Black Hawk Down stars like Josh Hartnett and Ewan McGregor
as like military dudes, and then their chopper goes down and
everything that isn't American like totally explodes. I can't like
in good conscience say anything bad about Ewan Wan Kenobi, but
Episode II better fucking rule. I mean shit -- I've put enough
fucking time into Star Wars shit to like expect something like good,
right, not that Episode I Jar-Jar bullshit fucking flick for like
little kids. I mean, fuck. Let's just say that we'll totally talk
about Ewan McGregor after I get my fucking day off and fucking see
Episode II like twice on the opening day this spring unless Karen,
the former total bitch I like work for at Big Burger but who I've
like honestly tried to be nicer to after last week's like shitty
fucking confrontation, lets me fucking have the day off to go see it
like twice at the Mall of America. I totally hate Karen but I've
like tried to be nicer to her but she's still a total bitch to me --
you wouldn't fucking believe it. I'll just totally leave it there
just to be like nice, but let's just like say that Dean better like
promote me soon so she like gets off my back all the fucking time.
Black Hawk Down looks like it's got no drugs but like military
violence up the ying yang, so I can highly recommend the flick.
Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 11
Js out of a possible 11 J's. So till next time, see you kids at the
Confidential to Ed B., Parma OH: No, YOU BITE THE BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!