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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger

  Black Hawk Down

What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Black Hawk Down, the new movie starring Josh Hartnett and Ewan McGregor and directed by Ridley Scott, the director of Gladiator and Blade Runner. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how fucking cool Gladiator is so I'll like move on to Blade Runner, which currently occupies like the number six position on J.J.'s Top Ten Fucking Movies Ever. First of all, Sean Young like mid-80's is a total fucking hottie, and then we got Indiana Jones as like the coolest, totally badass cop ever. I must've seen that flick twenty times on Skinamax, totally. My best friend Dobie used to like totally argue that like Harrison Ford is a replicant, like a fake robot dude like the bad guys were, but I totally shut him up with one like simple question -- if Harrison Ford is a replicant, right, why would he need to like eat? In the first scene you see him, he's totally eating noodles. That fucking shut Dobie up. Every once in a while, I'm like totally insightful.

Anyhow, Black Hawk Down stars like Josh Hartnett and Ewan McGregor as like military dudes, and then their chopper goes down and everything that isn't American like totally explodes. I can't like in good conscience say anything bad about Ewan Wan Kenobi, but Episode II better fucking rule. I mean shit -- I've put enough fucking time into Star Wars shit to like expect something like good, right, not that Episode I Jar-Jar bullshit fucking flick for like little kids. I mean, fuck. Let's just say that we'll totally talk about Ewan McGregor after I get my fucking day off and fucking see Episode II like twice on the opening day this spring unless Karen, the former total bitch I like work for at Big Burger but who I've like honestly tried to be nicer to after last week's like shitty fucking confrontation, lets me fucking have the day off to go see it like twice at the Mall of America. I totally hate Karen but I've like tried to be nicer to her but she's still a total bitch to me -- you wouldn't fucking believe it. I'll just totally leave it there just to be like nice, but let's just like say that Dean better like promote me soon so she like gets off my back all the fucking time.

Black Hawk Down looks like it's got no drugs but like military violence up the ying yang, so I can highly recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 11 Js out of a possible 11 J's. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.

Confidential to Ed B., Parma OH: No, YOU BITE THE BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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