CURRENT ISSUE 01/28/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List Musing With Mitch NEW FEATURE! Riding Shotgun With Adventure Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	St. Peter's Basilica Kicks the Shit Out of Your Favorite Crappy-Ass Cathedral by Professor Winston Heathrow, Oxford University In the course of my academic career, I have traveled thousands of miles and studied hundreds of cathedrals. Now, in the autumn of my years, a lifetime of research now culminates in but a singular, inevitable conclusion: Rome's St. Peter's Basilica rules, and all other cathedrals are merely its ass-bitches. St. Peter's Basilica First of all, St. Peter's was designed by Michaelangelo, the greatest fucking artistic genius in all of human history. That alone makes every other cathedral a second-rate shithouse by comparison. And on top of that, it's got Bernini's columns, Filarete's bronze doors, and Raphael's oil paintings. So don't waste my time trying to tell me your punk-ass church is a player compared to all of that shit. Second, St. Peter's is fucking enormous. Question: What do cocks, tits and cathedrals have in common? The answer: size matters. And at more than 163,000 square feet, St. Peter's is the Long Dong Silver of the cathedral world, baby. But you know what they say, one picture is worth a thousand words. So let's take a look at some of the "competition:" Cologne Cathedral Well la-dee-frickin-da, it's Germany's Cologne Cathedral. This is either one butt-ugly church or the world's largest Chia Pet. Definitely inspired those pointy helmets that the Kraut army used to wear. I'd rather pray in a latrine than in this hole. Notre Dame Cathedral Here's the highly overrated Notre Dame Cathedral, completed in 1250. Did you notice the crappy Gothic-style facade? Please. That shit was all played out by the end of the 10th century. This dive has about as much curb appeal as a mutt's freshly-pinched dump. If you look closely, you can see the steam rising from this sacred stool. By now, you should be thoroughly convinced that St. Peter's Basilica smacks the crap out of your favorite ass-sucking cathedral. So on your next trip to Europe, do yourself a favor: head straight for Rome and save yourself the time of bothering with the rest of Christendom's architectural posers and wannabes. Next month: How Francis of Assisi bitch-slaps your wussy, limp-wristed patron saint. (Reported by Gus Harris)
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