Giant Middle Finger WTC Plan Rejected for 27th Time

NEW YORK (DPI) - The world's top architects have rejected plans to build a giant series of skyscrapers in the shape of a hand flipping the bird for the 27th and "final" time, according to Trent Raynor, leader of the WTC restoration project. "We know that everyone is angry at (Osama) bin Laden and Al-Qaeda for destroying the World Trade Center, but the joke's getting a little old," says Raynor, referring to the doctored graphics circulating on the Internet since the WTC attacks. "Seriously -- it's not funny anymore, so stop it."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Twain Double-Barrels Stefani to Take Super Bowl XXXVII

St. Peter's Basilica Kicks the Shit Out of Your Favorite Crappy-Ass Cathedral

Avast! Buccaneers, Raiders Pillage San Diego

Super Bowl Recap by Preserved Killick



Lying, Nasty, Promiscuous Husband Really Does Love Wife

WILMINGTON, Del. (DPI) - Bud Sellers has been consistently unfaithful to his wife Carol over the entire course of their nine-year marriage. He also steals the cash from her purse for drinking money, treats her like dirt, and habitually lies to her. But deep down, he really loves her. "I just wish I could make Carol understand how much I love her," said Sellers. "Even when I'm banging my girlfriend, she's always on my mind. If that's not love, then what is?"

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Cheese Salesman Credits Parents for His Success



PEORIA (DPI) - Martin Rodenti, the American Cheese Association's 2002 Cheese Salesman of the Year, credited his parents during his acceptance speech. Said Rodenti, "I owe all my success to them, God rest their souls. They instilled me with a love of cheese that has carried me to this highest of honors."

(Reported by Donald Junter)

Milky Way Denies Rumor of Youthful Galaxy-Destroying Offense

SPACE (DPI) - Amid reports that the Milky Way may have destroyed a small galaxy billions of years ago, a spokesman for the local galaxy issued a strongly worded denial of the incident. "Much has been made of the stories of an alleged youthful indiscretion, and the Milky Way strongly denies that the incident ever occurred." The spokesman speculated that the rumors have been fueled by an aggressive media effort on behalf of the Andromeda galaxy, which has long sought to hold the position now occupied by the Milky Way. No witnesses to the alleged event have been identified.

(Reported by Jim Griffith)

Yoga Instructor Way Spacey

SHERMAN OAKS, Calif. (DPI) - Heather Gibson, 31, a certified yoga instructor, is being accused of being way spacey and "kinda floaty." Peers say Gibson goes far beyond the acceptable limits of any city-bound-quasi-new-age-spiritual-type. "It was one thing when she got into numerology, and 'the collective consciousness,' but when she started going on about auras and her past lives we knew that she had gone too far," said coworker Suzy Thompson. Witnesses report several incidents where Gibson gave thanks to a "Mother-Father Gaia." Gibson issued only a brief comment as she lit a stick of sage to expel negative energy: "My third eye is blurry and my chakras are really clogged from bad karma."

(Reported by G.S. Rodriguez)

Supreme Court Marks 30th Anniversary of Sanford and Son