CURRENT ISSUE 01/28/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List Musing With Mitch NEW FEATURE! Riding Shotgun With Adventure Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Zach Landers Editor, Magic Bullet Theory Magazine   Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Rating: 2 stars (out of 5) First-time director George Clooney tells the story of Chuck Barris, who in his autobiography of the same name confessed to the world that he was not only a television producer (The Dating Game, The Gong Show, etc.) but he was also a member of a black ops division of the CIA, where he was employed as a hit man. Clooney is a fine director who employs some cool visual trickery in telling this story that should blow the lid off this scandal. Instead, the film's light tone betrays the truth of Barris' admissions. Instead of outraged, the audience I saw this with was amused. Clooney obviously didn't treat the subject matter with the respect it deserved. The fact of the matter is that Barris was, in fact, a hitman for the CIA, but it didn't end there. The entire Gong Show was full of CIA agents carrying out various assignments. The truth -- and I've been persecuted for speaking these truths -- is that Gene Gene The Dancing Machine was also a double agent who spent many years working for both the Company and the KGB. If you look at his routine, you'll see that his patented "dance" moves are distinctly Russian in flavor. Jaye P. Morgan was in fact nicknamed "The Black Widow" and was personally responsible for the contract killings of many foreign dignitaries. Frequent "Judge" Jamie Farr was actually a mole who assassinated dozens of oil barons in the OPEC nations. People, The Unknown Comic wore a bag over his head for a reason: He was an undercover spy who needed to protect is identity lest his cover be blown! How can you people not see this? This, of course, was a small piece of an even bigger puzzle. People who think the game-show host profession isn't rife with government agents is a naive fool. The Weakest Link's Anne Robinson is, in fact, a lethal agent for Britain's MI5, which is given away by her icy demeanor. The reason Survivor keeps changing locales every season is so Jeff Probst -- part of a splinter cell of the Department of Defense -- can perform his assignments all over the world. Regis Philbin -- better known by his codename, "Killbin" -- is personally responsible for more than 150 murders worldwide that have been kept secret by the so-called "media." Alex Trebek is himself a senior agent for Canada's CSIS, and Jeopardy is nothing more than a recruitment tool for their international think tank. Even lovable Bob Barker is a cold-blooded CIA agent who's been working undercover to destroy the ASPCA from the inside. The Game Show Network is the real life Big Brother! The signs are there, people! Are you too blind to see? I have to sign off now before the government traces my location. If I'm not captured before next week, I'll try to return with my review of Kangaroo Jack and how it's part of a subliminal campaign by the Australian government to call for the assassination of Crocodile Hunter's Steve Irwin. Until then...open your eyes!
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