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February 4, 2002
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Atheist Patriots Thank Chance, Natural Selection
NEW ORLEANS, LA (DPI) - Fresh off a stunning 20-17 upset victory in the Super
Bowl, players and coaches of the New England Patriots thanked Serendipity,
Chance, and pure Dumb Luck for their storybook season. "Statistically
speaking, Warner was going to eventually mis-time a pass," said cornerback
Ty Law, "and once I had the interception in my hands, there was a very low
probability that anyone would be in position to stop me. Luck was with me
every step of the way." Said quarterback and game MVP Tom Brady, "We had
a lot of support from above this year. Even though he wasn't down on the
field with us, (offensive coordinator) Charlie Weis was looking down on us
all season long."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik & Joseph Moore)
Kmart Turns to Prostitution to Recoup Losses
TROY, MI (DPI) - Bankrupt retailing giant Kmart announced today that it
will shift its marketing and sales towards the untapped retail
prostitution market in order to become profitable again. "We are deep in
the red," said spokesperson Martha Stewart. "It is time for the Red Light
Special." Store employees fearful of losing their jobs during the
restructuring were surprised Tuesday to find crates of Stewart's new
Autumn Whore line of lace nightwear on the loading docks. Stewart took the
transition in stride. "This change is natural and welcome for me; I've
been prostituting myself to Kmart for years." Once insulted by the phrase
"Kmart sucks," the company has now embraced the Rain Man tagline as part
of its core marketing strategy.
(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)
Bush Writes Own State of Union Address With Mad-Libs
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In an effort to appear more independent, President George W.
Bush wrote and presented his first State of the Union address in front of
the joint session of Congress Tuesday night. Insisting on writing the entire speech himself,
the president enlisted the help of the Mad-Libs book series, the popular party game
for 6-year-olds. "Thousand of dangerous squirrels, schooled in the
methods of farting, often supported by underwear, are now spreading
throughout the Chuck E. Cheese like pooping time bombs, set to go off
without warning," Bush said while giggling on the floor of the Senate Tuesday.
(Reported By Danny Gallagher)
Subway Dieter Saddened by "State of the Union" Snub
TEANECK, NJ (DPI) - Television dieting prodigy Henry, Clay Henry held an
impromptu news conference on his front lawn yesterday to protest not
having been invited to President Bush's State of the Union address last
Tuesday night. "It seemed that every 'notable' the President pointed out
in the gallery was either a comically-dressed foreigner or somebody's next
of kin. That's hardly what I would call compelling television," the
formerly steatopygic Henry told reporters while standing in front of three
humming and demurely bopping uniformed firefighters. Henry is one of only
three mutated humans known to Madison Avenue who can experience marked
weight loss while consuming a loaf of bread and condimented luncheon meats
twice daily.
(Reported by Errol Maturin)
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Arthur Andersen Changes Name to Artria
Salt Lake City Tightens Security, Sphincters
Reno: Timmm-berrr!
Lay Lured Enron Employees to Sacrifice Own Children to Slug-Beasts
"Twofer Tuesday" Thwarted by One-Hit Wonders
Opinion: We Must Never Forget October 11
More headlines

McCain Vows To Wedgie, Pound Lieberman During Senate Recess

Distraught Tyson Eats Nevada Boxing Commission
LAS VEGAS, NV (DPI) - Boxer Mike Tyson ate the members of the Nevada
Boxing Commission last week after they denied his license to fight
and possibly eat heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis. Tyson had told the
commission that while he's "no Mother Teresa," he's also "no Charles
Manson." Tyson further elaborated that he's "no Mahatma Gandhi," "no Ted
Bundy," "possibly Jeffrey Dahmer," but "certainly not Louis Pasteur," and
asked to be treated "like any other spouse-abusing, convicted rapist, who
frequently freaks out, curses, and bites people." The Commission voted 4-1
to reject Tyson's license and to recommend that he get a cat. In a related
story, Tyson will appear on cable TV's Iron Mike Chef to cook up his
signature dish, Roast Ear of Evander with Dill Sauce.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Car Shopper Flummoxed By Exciting Sale Options
SPRINGFIELD, IL (DPI) - Springfield-area resident John Smurda wants to buy
a car, but is torn between sales events currently in his area. "I mean,
I've been waiting all year for the Chevrolet Make Your Money Count Event,
because who wants to buy a car when your money doesn't count? But now I'm
seeing ads for Toyotathon 2002, and they say it'll be even bigger than
ever!" When asked if other events have piqued his interest, Smurda noted
the Pontiac Sale-A-Bration was tempting, as was Chuck Fritz's Used Cars'
giant inflatable dinosaur. "It's a pretty cool dinosaur, and they light it
up at night." Smurda says he'll decide by next week, then the numbers for
the Truckville mayoral primaries come in.
(Reported By Craig Stacey)
Man Sues Over Besmirchment of Own Britches
ARLINGTON, VA (DPI) - Arlington resident Tod Gettys, 37, has filed a $10 billion lawsuit against McNeil Health
Corp. over the failure of their Imodium AD product to prevent the complete and utter emptying of
his bowels directly into his very own pants. The discharge was actually into his underwear, but the
cotton levee quickly gave way to the high-pressure black riverine delta that spewed forth,
leaving the inner pants area to bear the brunt of the load. The suit claims that McNeil Corp.
was negligent when it encased the poo-stiffening pills in tamper-proof packaging likely to cause
the urgently squirming consumer to lose precious minutes fumbling and scraping, thus
creating a high likelihood of an accidental relaxing of the crucial muscle that is the linchpin
of non-self-debasement. The suit claims $30 for replacement of clothing, $9 billion for pain and
suffering, and just under $1 billion for permanent loss of consort with Mrs. Gettys, who
"isn't getting under that."
(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

Dateline: July 8, 1997
Amish Motors Unveils New 1998 Model
WHEATFIELD, PA (DPI) - Amish Motors this week rolled out their
new 1998 model buggy, the MegaBullet 300xi Turbo. The 4-wheel-roll
vehicle comes equipped with luxury items such as the Abacus2000
odometer, Naugahyde seats, and spare 5-foot wheel. Available
options include leather feedbag and passenger-side bonnet holder.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
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World News
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"Detainees" Upgraded to "Guest Workers"
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Satan Orders New "WTC Money Scammers" Ass-Pitchforks
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"CinnaStix" Being Spat Out Somewhere
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Al Qaeda One Step Closer to C.H.U.D. Status
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Girl Scouts Test Nuke Against Grenada
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Domestic News
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Dr. Scholl Named Director of Homeland Footwear Security
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FAA Bans 101 Acts Of Terror Using Only Nail Clippers From Airport Newstands
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Ashcroft: "Stop Giving Me Hard-ons!"
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Pot Calls Kettle "Cookware-American"
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Satan Buys Condo in Inglis, Florida
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DJ's Bowel Movement Outlasts Free Bird
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Bush, Kennedy Families to Square Off on Family Feud
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Wealthiest 5 Percent Wipe Pampered Asses With Tax Cut
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Local News
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Man Wants His Baby Back Baby Back Baby Back
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Hungry Teen Tempted by "Forbidden Fruit" Silica Gel Packet
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Scoopable Litter Remains Unscooped
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Man Covers House in Tin Foil, Shame
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Piano Dealer Snaps, Kills 4,817th Chopsticks-Playing Customer
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Man Forfeits Corvette For Driving Like a Wuss
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Entertainment
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Peggy Lee's Face Lives On
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Aging, Mellowing Johnny Rotten Upgraded to Johnny Inconsiderate
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Lloyd's of London Insures Jagger's Crank for 60 Years/60,000 Groupies
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Madonna Fucked
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Sports
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Team USA Playing Soccer Somewhere, Experts Claim
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Summerall Seeks "Madden Cruiser" in Divorce
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Bobsledder Tests Positive for Speed
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Confused, Pantsless Kordell Stewart Spotted at Superdome
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Mike Tyson Book Club Features The Fluffy Bunny That Snapped
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K-State Sucks
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