CURRENT ISSUE 2/4/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: John Ashcroft Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us!	McCain Vows To Wedgie, Pound Lieberman During Senate Recess WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Senator Joe Lieberman has requested extra security after various handwritten and verbal threats from fellow Senator and House Bully John McCain this past week. "Im gonna totally get you as soon as recess starts, u nerd. your so dead.(sic)" reads one of the notes Lieberman received from a house page, apparently on behalf of McCain, although the note is unsigned. "Im gonna pound you're little ass into the dirt and make you eat the dirt and wedgie you untill you cant shit strait. (sic)" reads another. "Look at the handwriting! You know it was him!" Lieberman was overheard yelling. Sources inside the Senate reveal that the feud dates back two weeks, when Lieberman got McCain in trouble on two separate occasions. During one, McCain was reprimanded for attempting to cheat during a vote. Sources say that McCain had leaned over to Lieberman and asked, "What are you voting? I wasn't paying attention." Lieberman reportedly stared straight ahead, refusing to help the former war hero, whispering, "I don't cheat. Do your own work." Later that same day, Lieberman is alleged to have "told" on McCain for drawing crudely pornographic stick-figure pictures of National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. Both actions resulted in Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle giving McCain three weeks of detention. Although McCain denies any involvement in the Lieberman threats, his inability to keep a straight face while addressing the allegations has led some political analysts to accuse him of knowing exactly what's going on. "I haven't got anything against the little weasel," McCain was seen snickering to the press. "But if he isn't careful, he's headed for a thumping. That's all I'm saying." The comments sent waves of controversy through DC watchdogs. On Politically Incorrect, noted Democratic supporter and comic Al Franken reacted harshly. "Look there! He's laughing about it! How can you not see that?" Franken exclaimed as a tape of the comments were played, evoking derisive laughter from the other panelists. Host Bill Maher responded to Franken's allegations by saying, "Calm down, Poindexter. That doesn't mean anything. Boy, you nerds really stick together, don't you?" After the taping, sources backstage confirm that Maher was seen dunking Franken's head in the toilet. (Reported by Greg Preece / Graphics by Michael Sheinbaum)
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