CURRENT ISSUE 02/04/03 Front Page SPECIAL! Big News from Dadistan Weekly Features Riding Shotgun With Adventure Musing With Mitch Frank Haskins Ain't That America? Moth's Diary To-Do List Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Couple Prepares for Unnatural Childbirth SALEM, Ore. (DPI) - John and Rynah Brinks, expecting their first child in a few hours, have decided to deliver the baby using unnatural childbirth techniques, their family has said. Shaking a feather duster in Rynah's face and squatting on a table making cuckoo noises, Rynah's mother, Marie, said the family wants the baby to be brought into the world in exactly the way their foremothers didn't do it for thousands of years: "I wake Rynah every two hours during labor with a bucket of ice water, after which she eats 11 moon pies. Then the two of us play Jenga until the phone rings, with the winner getting to wear the Chicken Hat." Eager husband John took a Greyhound bus to Reno at the first sign of labor, where he will find strangers willing to break dishware over his naked body in an unnatural fatherhood ritual originating with no peoples from any part of the world, ever. "The unnatural way is the only way for us," said John, who sat writing "I am a Water Donkey Poodle" on strips of paper which he crumpled and burned in a small bonfire. "We could never put up with a so-called certified nurse midwife and the naturalization of the whole birthing process." Rynah's carefully-planned unnatural birth plan is also set to include a clown with balloon animals, primal screaming, Jazzercise, bocce ball and vodka. The couple expect the child to be a little girl, which will be delivered from Rynah's right ear. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.