CURRENT ISSUE 02/04/03 Front Page SPECIAL! Big News from Dadistan Weekly Features Riding Shotgun With Adventure Musing With Mitch Frank Haskins Ain't That America? Moth's Diary To-Do List Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Neighborhood Bully Forced To Dismantle Snow Fort MUSKEEGEE, Wis. (DPI) - To curtail what they claim is an alarming show of aggression, eight children in the Arbor Woods Forest subdivision have demanded that known bully Josh McKeen dismantle his snow fortress and destroy his stockpile of snowballs hidden within. Part of the resolution also requires Zach Fenner's dad to inspect the fortress to verify compliance. The issue began more than a week ago, when photos taken from Ashley Salier's second-floor window showed a disturbingly large collection of snowballs hidden behind a 5-foot-high wall of tightly packed snow in Josh's front yard. "The image I saw from that window frightened me," said a shaken Ashley. "His fort is within easy throwing distance of the sidewalk we all have to use to get to the bus stop. It's not a matter of if he'll use them, but when. Right now he's terrorizing us by keeping us guessing and looking over our shoulder, but we know he wouldn't have made the snowballs if he didn't intend to use them." Concerned neighborhood kid Courtney Harper has accused Josh of creating snowballs of mass destruction, including some frozen solid by wetting them and leaving them to freeze and others tainted with pebbles to inflict unspeakable harm when deployed. The United Neighbors resolution will require inspector Fenner to search for watering cans, hoses and gravel, the materials needed to create such weapons. When asked to comment, Josh, also known locally as "Mean McKeen," denied the existence of any fort or projectiles, but has stated that he welcomes Mr. Fenner to come over and look around. "Just give me about a half hour from now and he can come over and look wherever he wants, except under that tarp," said Josh. The United Neighbors coalition fears unorthodox tactics are soon to be used against them. "I don't mind a straight-on snowball fight," admitted Tyler West from four houses down. "But I wouldn't put it past him to smuggle some snowballs to school in his backpack, or supply arms to that fat kid at the corner who hates everybody. For all we know, he could be harboring sixth graders inside that fort!" The alliance agrees that this situation is a powder keg waiting to go off if action is not taken. "He loves attacking the rich kids, and for some reason he's been itching to pelt the Jewish kid who lives nearby," said Dakota Perry. "He's created instability for the whole four-block region." Coalition members are nearly unanimous in their resolve to take action. The lone holdout is the French foreign exchange student, who thinks they should wait until spring before a decision is made. (Reported by Buddy Fisher)
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