Nation Mourns Lance Bass's Survival

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Americans awoke to tragedy Saturday morning as they learned the stunning news that *NSYNC's Lance Bass was still alive. Initial reports that the hopeful astronaut was doing fine at his home in Malibu were confirmed by multiple sightings throughout the day. Omaha resident Roy Tucker was disheartened to see Bass on a home-video tape aired on CNN. "We always knew there were risks involved in Bass's career," Tucker said, "but there's just no way to fully prepare yourself for the possibility that it will continue." Grief counselors suggest explaining to children that Bass, while safe in California, cannot harm them so long as they avoid his albums.

(Reported by Derrick Lindsey)



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Child Injured Attempting Ashcroft Stunt
Seen on TV

BUFFALO, N.Y. (DPI) - Scotty Fertig, 8, was hospitalized Friday after injuring himself while attempting to place his neighbor, Ahmed Kareem, 10, in detention -- a stunt he saw Attorney General John Ashcroft perform on television. "Kids today are fascinated by the daring John Ashcroft exploits shown by the networks every single night on the news," said television critic Milton Caesar. "One day he's surfing the web after your credit card history, the next he's seizing and holding American citizens indefinitely. It's exciting, and kids want to emulate that sort of devil-may-care approach to the Constitution." Ashcroft had no immediate reaction to the story, but did see to it that Kareem was actually put in indefinite detention.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Kid Rock in Serious Condition After Encounter With Shampoo, Soap

DETROIT (DPI) - Bob Ritchie, known worldwide as Kid Rock, is recovering in a Detroit hospital after a harrowing incident that nearly cost the white-trash metal rapper his life. Doctors say an inebriated Rock was inadvertently exposed to a lethal combination of shampoo, soap and water in a local hotel room. Before the entertainer realized what was happening, he had been scrubbed thoroughly clean and was left fighting for his life. Although currently in intensive care, Rock is being given dirt and grime intravenously and is expected to make a full recovery.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Parents: Phrase "Children Are Our Future" Bad for Kids

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - A group of Bay Area parents are claiming the ubiquitous phrase "Children Are Our Future" puts undue pressure on the younger generation. "Nobody sees the impact it's having on our kids," said Janice Gould of Take the Future Away From Kids. "Pinning the hopes of something as critical as the future on our children is asking way too much." TFAFK member Kathy Vold echoed those sentiments. "My 8-year-old wakes up in the middle of night screaming," said Vold. "She thinks it's all up to her and fears that 'C' she got on a test will somehow come back to screw up the world." The group's literature suggests people start using less-oppressive phrases like, "Children ... Whatever."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

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