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02/04/03

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February 4, 2003



Nation Mourns Lance Bass's Survival

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Americans awoke to tragedy Saturday morning as they learned the stunning news that *NSYNC's Lance Bass was still alive. Initial reports that the hopeful astronaut was doing fine at his home in Malibu were confirmed by multiple sightings throughout the day. Omaha resident Roy Tucker was disheartened to see Bass on a home-video tape aired on CNN. "We always knew there were risks involved in Bass's career," Tucker said, "but there's just no way to fully prepare yourself for the possibility that it will continue." Grief counselors suggest explaining to children that Bass, while safe in California, cannot harm them so long as they avoid his albums.

(Reported by Derrick Lindsey)



New Cadillac SUV Features Gravitational Pull


BOWLING GREEN, Ky. (DPI) - Cadillac announced Saturday that its latest luxury behemoth sport utility vehicle, the Voluminus, will feature a noticeable gravitational pull. "The mass of the vehicle is so great that objects are actually sucked into its gravitational field," said Dean Breen, Cadillac vice president of marketing. While praise for the Voluminus has been almost universal, there are safety issues regarding vehicles this massive hurtling down highways with the inevitable debris fields trailing behind. "We've got that covered," said Breen. "New Voluminus owners will attend Cadillac's exclusive driving school, where they'll learn a special U-turn maneuver that will cause trapped objects to break free and hurtle harmlessly into the sun. Besides, it's mostly small stuff that gets sucked in -- Corollas, Neons and the like."


(Reported by Brad Osberg)

U.S. Volunteers to Help Saddam Find a Nice Apartment

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Secretary of State Colin Powell today assured Saddam Hussein that if he were exiled, the United States would help him find a "decent apartment." "And not some rathole, either," said Powell, trying to reassure the Iraqi dictator. "I'm talking about a nice, clean, two- or three-bedroom loft in a rent-controlled building." Powell also expressed his willingness to help Saddam move his belongings, as long as the move were scheduled on a weekend and beer and pizza were provided. Powell said he feels so strongly about this that he's willing to help out "even if Saddam has one of those heavy-ass hide-a- bed couches."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Most Gorgeous Girl in the World Now Also Richest

ATHENS (DPI) - Athina Roussel, the stunning granddaughter of Aristotle Onassis, inherited $2.7-billion worth of cash and property when she turned 18 last week. Unlike the unscrupulous hordes of shifty characters now trying to con lovely Athina, this reporter hopes she can find true friends, and maybe even love, during these trying times. This would require the young beauty to seek out those of us who profess our never-ending devotion to her mind, body, and soul, forgetting all aspects of the worldly possessions that might only cloud our eternal bliss. For it is she, and she alone, that matters to this reporter. Always.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Heaven's Gate Cult Sends Postcard

HALE-BOPP (DPI) - Thirty-nine Heaven's Gate cult members who participated in a ritual suicide in a Rancho Sante Fe, Calif., villa in 1997 have sent along their regards and well wishes from their interstellar spaceship voyage, sources reported yesterday. Communicating with earth via a colorful postcard depicting a collage of highlights from the Crab Nebula, cult members said they were "living large the cosmic way," seeing the wonders of the universe and staying in all the finest hotels. "Wish you were here. Love, Ti and Do," they wrote in the postcard.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Bobblehead Inducing Nausea in Hungover Office Worker

America Blessed by God per Celine Dion's Request

Shoe Bomber Sentenced to Life in Birkenstocks

Members Only Jacket Owners Added to Endangered Species List

Tequila Blamed

Mom Wishes Teenage Son Would Quit Using Socks to Clean Glue

Shaq Retraqs "Iraq Whaq" Craq

Drunk Guy Spots Blouse Button Continuity Errors in Beer "Catfight" Ad

Experts: Shitty Acting May Cost Adam Sandler Oscar

More headlines



Make-A-Wish Foundation Drops Ball on
Child's "Find a Cure for Cancer" Wish

Serial Killer Starts Every Day with a Good Breakfast

Couple Prepares for Unnatural Childbirth

Neighborhood Bully Forced To Dismantle Snow Fort



Child Injured Attempting Ashcroft Stunt
Seen on TV


BUFFALO, N.Y. (DPI) - Scotty Fertig, 8, was hospitalized Friday after injuring himself while attempting to place his neighbor, Ahmed Kareem, 10, in detention -- a stunt he saw Attorney General John Ashcroft perform on television. "Kids today are fascinated by the daring John Ashcroft exploits shown by the networks every single night on the news," said television critic Milton Caesar. "One day he's surfing the web after your credit card history, the next he's seizing and holding American citizens indefinitely. It's exciting, and kids want to emulate that sort of devil-may-care approach to the Constitution." Ashcroft had no immediate reaction to the story, but did see to it that Kareem was actually put in indefinite detention.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Kid Rock in Serious Condition After Encounter With Shampoo, Soap

DETROIT (DPI) - Bob Ritchie, known worldwide as Kid Rock, is recovering in a Detroit hospital after a harrowing incident that nearly cost the white-trash metal rapper his life. Doctors say an inebriated Rock was inadvertently exposed to a lethal combination of shampoo, soap and water in a local hotel room. Before the entertainer realized what was happening, he had been scrubbed thoroughly clean and was left fighting for his life. Although currently in intensive care, Rock is being given dirt and grime intravenously and is expected to make a full recovery.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Parents: Phrase "Children Are Our Future" Bad for Kids

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - A group of Bay Area parents are claiming the ubiquitous phrase "Children Are Our Future" puts undue pressure on the younger generation. "Nobody sees the impact it's having on our kids," said Janice Gould of Take the Future Away From Kids. "Pinning the hopes of something as critical as the future on our children is asking way too much." TFAFK member Kathy Vold echoed those sentiments. "My 8-year-old wakes up in the middle of night screaming," said Vold. "She thinks it's all up to her and fears that 'C' she got on a test will somehow come back to screw up the world." The group's literature suggests people start using less-oppressive phrases like, "Children ... Whatever."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

New $1,000 Home Computer Runs Solitaire 12% Faster

Raider Fans Rampage Following Figure-Skating Championships
"Bachelorette" Has Secret Past of Good Taste, Respectability
Powell: U.S. Won't Attack North Korea, Other Countries With No Fucking Oil
Karl Rove Replaced by Peter Wiggin
4'1" Sixth-Grader Mike Shrimp Learning Just How Cruel Life Can Be
Super Bowl Party Ruined By Spousal Rebuff of Drunken Post-Game Sex
Forgetful Man Soon to Be Killed by Runaway Valentine's Day
Jack Nicholson Loses Bet, Co-Stars With Adam Sandler
Trouble on Set as Anna Nicole, Reality Clash
Obese Buddhist Becomes Two With Universe




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