CURRENT ISSUE 02/04/03 Front Page SPECIAL! Big News from Dadistan Weekly Features Riding Shotgun With Adventure Musing With Mitch Frank Haskins Ain't That America? Moth's Diary To-Do List Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Serial Killer Starts Every Day with a Good Breakfast GARY, Ind. (DPI) - Ron Snopes is a great serial killer, but he'll be the first to tell you that it doesn't come easy. "It takes a lot of hard work and dedication," he said in a recent interview. "And it's very demanding on you, physically and mentally. That's why I start every day with a good, well-balanced breakfast." Whether he's going to be spending the day cutting and pasting newsprint to create a terrifying letter or merely scrawling schizophrenic psycho-babble on his bedroom walls with a pencil, a good breakfast is essential, according to Snopes. "Yesterday, I spent the whole day following an accounting clerk everywhere she went," he said. "First to her dry cleaner's, then to her office, to the pizza shop where she had lunch, then to the grocery store and back to her place. After she had a quick dinner of stir-fried beef and broccoli, I followed her to her adult-ed class on quilt-making. And then after I got home, I was up half the night, wearing my mother's clothing and masturbating furiously to pictures of some homicide crime scene photos I downloaded off the net. Luckily for me, I had eaten a big stack of pancakes with syrup, bacon and half a grapefruit that morning, or I would have run out of steam by mid- afternoon. Hey, skip breakfast if you want to, pal, but you're gonna regret it later on." Snopes had no shortage of advice for young people who are thinking about following in his footsteps. "The three most important things you can do to become a good serial killer are practice, practice and practice," he said. "Yeah, I know it's a cliche, but it's true. And don't get discouraged if it takes you a while to get the hang of it, remember, Rome wasn't built in a day." Then he winked. "And of course, begin every morning the right way -- by eating the most important meal of the day," he said. (Reported by Gus Harris)
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