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NOW DAILY!
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Republicans Unveil New Anti Gay-Abortion Initiative
WASHINGTON (DPI) - With the extended holiday season finally over,
House Republicans have wasted no time in introducing a new issue: a
law banning gay people from having abortions. While acknowledging that
the problem of gay abortion is slight, party spokesman Marty Bowles
points out a huge upside to the initiative: "The Democrats'
inevitable shrill and time-wasting denunciations can only serve to
once again distract them from issues that are really important to
ordinary Americans. We Republicans like to throw a little red meat
to the Left, then sit back and watch them hold press conferences,
lead the network news and write the issue into television scripts.
Meanwhile, we can go about our true business of undermining the social
safety net for the poorest Americans, unmolested." In related news,
a new organization called Gays and Lesbians United to Kill Our Babies If
We Damn Well Please will be prominently featured in the story line
for this week's The West Wing episode.
(Reported by Brian Jones)
Abu Ghraib Guard Sentenced to Be Attorney General
BAGHDAD (DPI) - Sgt. Dan McClellan, convicted of
torturing prisoners at Abu Ghraib has been sentenced
to a four-year term as Attorney General of the United
States. McClellan will replace Alberto Gonzalez, who
merely wrote the memoranda discounting the authority
of the Geneva Conventions and authorizing torture
under U.S. law. Explained the Court Martial Presiding
Officer, "Gonzalez may have approved the use of
torture, but McClellan was the gung-ho guy who
actually went ahead and did it. That's the kind of
man we need in charge of the U.S. legal system."
McClellan plans to appeal, seeking a sentence to a
four-year term as President.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
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Johnny Carson Dead; How Dead Is He?
Morality in Iraq Collapses with Rampant Displays of Women's Ankles
Noticably Legal Woman Fired From Barely Legal Strip Club
Apple Develops New iPod That Can Fit Comfortably in Your Ass
Wacky Foreigners Eat Weird Shit
Study: Will Smith "Queer Eye" Movie Not Fooling Anyone
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God Promising Next Disaster Won't Be "Trite, Predictable"
HEAVEN (DPI) - The Divine Creator, known for his early work on parting, and
then collapsing, the Red Sea, his pioneering work on non-consumptive flaming
shrubbery and the smiting from the face of the earth the towns of Sodom and
Gomorrah, has been criticized lately by disaster watchers and critics for
falling into a cycle of predictable, cliche ridden disasters.
"I mean, hurricanes are cool and it was a nice touch hitting a state with 4
of them in one short 2 month period, but isn't the whole tropical cyclone
motif simply just overdone these days? He who is 'I am' is falling more and
more into being 'He who has been' from the perspective of really being a
a trend-setting creative force of destruction", said Rex Reed, noted critic.
Other critics are mixed on God's recent work. Gene Shalit praised his work,
commenting that his recent Acts of Divine Retribution were, "Creative,
enjoyable family fun with all the rushing water, flaming buildings and mass
graves that are the signature of a Holy Smiting" while Roger Ebert called
noted, "Like John Woo, an originally creative force has fallen into a
pattern of predictable, mysterious ways. Where is the God that brought us
the non-stop Plagues of Egypt or the spectacular Flood of the World. It's
like he's phoning it in these days just to collect the post-event prayer
bump and a couple of points on the ad revenue from the cable news networks"
God's agent on earth, represented by Pope John Paul II, told critics to
prepare for more of God's acts, both sublime and spectacular.
"He could keep things small and art-house, such as having your best friend
die suddenly from a brain aneurysm in the shower one morning, or over the
top like the old days, with a full-on 'not doubting he exists anymore'
event, complete with the voices of the multitudes of Angels cheering him on
as he melts the ground beneath the wicked into lava while reciting their
sins against him. We just can't predict his ineffable artistic nature"
(Reported by Ross Brown)
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