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Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
Ron Jeremy
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Dear Ron,
I've got a huge crush on this girl I work in the office with. I'm pretty sure she's interested in me, too. The problem is, our company has a very strict "No Dating" policy between employees. I don't know what I should do. Can you help? Lovelorn in LA Dear LILA, Surprisingly enough, it's difficult for me to give advice on this particular issue, since banging hot chicks is my job. I am probably the luckiest Jew alive... I mean look at me! I look like a Hobbit, or at least a Hobbit with a 9-inch schmeckel. I'm kidding... my peter is actually two inches... from the ground! Ha! Get it? Anyhow, I played a character in one of my movies once with a similar problem (I am a serious actor, you know -- I'd like to see Tom Hanks remember lines while boning two broads at once) and what he did was take a Xerox of his trouser-snake and left it in this hot broad's mailbox. Within 10 minutes, my character was giving her an extra special delivery in the supply closet. Then the boss, his secretary, and a delivery guy all came in... you know what? That might not happen for you. Long story short, I can't help you. Hedgehog Dear Ron, Ever since the Enron scandal, I've been concerned about the safety of the money in my 401(k) fund. I'm just not convinced that my retirement investments are secure. How can I avoid losing my shirt? (Get your mind out of the gutter... that isn't what I was talking about ;-)) Worried in Wichita Dear WIW, The key to any secure 401(k) fund is wide diversification. You want to ensure that you have your funds spread out in a wide variety of long-term stocks and funds. As a secure rule of thumb, try not to have more than 5-10 percent of your 401(k) in any one single investment. Also be sure to keep in touch with your investment counselor and ensure that they have your best interests in mind when advising you of financial opportunities. If your financial adviser is a woman, you might want to keep her happy by throwing her some anal as well. Hedgehog |
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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