NBC Warns of Patriotic Retinal Scarring During Olympics Telecast
SALT LAKE CITY, UT (DPI) - In an effort to save television viewers' sight from
the blinding patriotism on display at the Salt Lake City Winter
Olympics, NBC has distributed special safety glasses to viewers. The
glasses, made of a material manufactured in France, will prevent the type of sight
loss which affected Ray Charles due to his decades of
singing the blindingly patriotic tune America the Beautiful. For
viewers who did not get the glasses in time, NBC will flash an "avert
eyes" warning each time an American athlete utters the words "real
heroes," "New York" or "firemen."
(Reported by Dave James)
Jacko Goes Gangsta for Upcoming Straight Outta Neverland CD
NEVERLAND RANCH, CA (DPI) - In order to appeal to contemporary
tastes, King of Pop Michael Jackson is
undertaking a wholesale revamping of his image, including cosmetic
surgery to broaden his nose and darken his skin. After the dismal
flop of his recent CD, Invincible, which was in the Billboard
Top 10 for only hours, Jackson decided that he needed to
update his milquetoast image to turn things around. "Yo,
mothafuckaz, lizzisten up to Wack Jacko -- I'm back and I'm black, my niggaz!" said
Jackson. His upcoming release, Straight Outta Neverland, will feature
such potential hits as Kidz in the Bed, Fuck Tha Llamas, and
Puppy Dogg Style.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Desperate Man Asking Women to "Be My Phallentine"
COLUMBUS, OH (DPI) - Columbus resident Dan Coleman, 30, has continued his astounding
descent into embarrassment with the opposite sex by starting to ask them if they
wanted to "be his Phallentine." "He's a nice enough guy,"
receptionist Jennifer Hajer said of Coleman, a Marketing Director and perennial
bachelor, "But then he opens his mouth." Hajer's comments were echoed
by about 75 women from the Last Resort Bar and Grill, where Coleman is said to
sing "Just A Gigolo" every Tuesday night on karaoke while wearing
"really embarrassing" pleather pants. This recent trend marks Coleman's
worst public humiliation since Christmas 2001, when he tied mistletoe onto his
belt buckle at an office party.
(Reported by Greg Preece & Jim Rosenberg)
Study: Girls Going 20% Less Wild
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In a revelation sending shockwaves throughout college
campuses across the
country, the occurrence of girls gone wild has dropped by a shocking 20
percent since September 11, a new report concluded. The report, a project
of a non-profit coalition, notes severe reductions in flashing and jiggling
among drunken sorority girls.
Bush Administration officials, upon hearing of the report, called for a $5-billion
bailout for the voyeur-camera industry, and issued a
statement calling upon hot wild coeds to do their part to return the nation
to its pre-attack free-for-all. Despite the recent drop, experts expect
a slight increase in girls going wild 47 days before the first
Sunday after the Spring Equinox.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
America Wants to Know: Who's the Black Private Dick That's a Sex Machine to All the Chicks?
SHAFT (DPI) - Damn right.
(Reported by Greg Preece)
Pro Bowl Excitement Sweeps Tens
HONOLULU (DPI) -- Tens of Americans were caught up in the excitement of
Pro Bowl weekend, and dozens more tuned in to the events leading up to
"The Big Game" on Saturday. According to ABC, "a whole bunch" of
spectators were riveted by the exciting lineup of activities which
supposedly culminated with the Pro Bowl itself. As ABC basked in its best
sports ratings in years, industry
analysts estimated that as many as a few hundred Americans enjoyed the
Topps NFL Experience, the Pro Bowl Beach Bowling Bash, the NFL Gatorade
Junior Training Camp and other events alleged to have taken place during
the past week.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik & Jim Griffith)
Olympic Gold Medalist Achieves Record-Breaking 16.07.43 Minutes of Fame
McCartney Announces Tour; Fiancée to Accompany Him on One Leg
Kenneth Lay Missing; Presumed Wealthy
Study Shows All World's Round Objects Currently Euphemisms for "Breast"
Critics Call Rollerball One of the Films Of 2002
Weary Comic Readers Demand Deader Schulz
Ice Dancer Nails Landing, Partner
Etymology Professor Praises Use of "Earthy, Vulgar Quadrilaterals" in Student's "Fuck off" Note
Daily Probe Exclusive: An Interview With Kenneth Lay
Ashcroft Opposes Stimulus Package, Citing Already-Stimulated Package
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a surprise political move, Attorney General John
Ashcroft today announced his opposition to President Bush's proposed
stimulus package, admitting that "my package is already stimulated enough."
Instead, Ashcroft is pushing for money to put burkas on all
female statues in the Capital, replace the powdered wig on the George
Washington memorial with "something less exciting" and to do something about
"all those naked horses."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
"Bush-Daughtered" Replaces "Shitfaced" in US Drunkard Vernacular
MADISON, WI (DPI) - In a press conference this week, The National
Council of Drunken College Freshmen unanimously adopted the phrase
"Bush-Daughtered" as the preferred way to describe one's extreme
intoxication. "Dude, I am totally Bush-Daughtered," commented the
council's obviously inebriated President James "El Kegster" Bryant.
"We've been pretty Barbara'd all week, baby! I'm pretty Jenna'd right
now but not quite Noelled yet. Woo!" Runner-up alternatives to the
new phrase included "Party RD (Robert Downey'd)" and "Getting WAYLA (What Are You Looking At)."
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
Dateline: July 25, 1997
FDA Recalls One Million Pounds of Beefcake
WASHINGTON, DC (DWPI) - The Food and Drug Administration today
recalled over a million pounds of beefcake that had been tainted
with the E. coli bacteria. Items possibly carrying the bacteria,
which results in severe gastrointestinal discomfort, are the
October issue of Playgirl Magazine, Barbara Cartland's most recent
novel, Buttons A-Poppin', the Dallas Cowboys entire first-string
offensive line, and anything bearing the image of David Hasselhoff.
(Reported by Chris White)