CURRENT ISSUE 2/11/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Charlie Brown Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Daily Probe Exclusive: An Interview with Kenneth Lay Kenneth Lay, embattled CEO of Enron Corp., recently broke his media silence and sat down to speak with Daily Probe reporter Mark Niebuhr:   Daily Probe: Good afternoon Mr. Lay. Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you. Kenneth Lay: Good afternoon. DP: So, it's our understanding that you're a complete and utter bastard. KL: Yes, that's correct. DP: And by "utter bastard," we're of course talking about the kind of person who would kick a blind dog. The kind of person that would bet their children's most prized possessions in a poker game. The kind of person so heartlessly evil, they would bugger Satan if they could make even a small profit by doing so. Is that correct, Mr. Lay? KL: Absolutely. If anything, you're not going far enough with that characterization. DP: So, if you saw, say, your grandmother tied to a railroad track but you could make, say, three dollars a head by charging spectators to see her run over by a train, you would elect to leave her there on the tracks and pocket some quick dough. KL: Well, my grandmother is long dead, but in theory, yes, I would pocket the profits from such a display. DP: Let's say you could cure cancer and charge individuals $10,000 for the cure. A tiny, peg-legged boy comes to you explaining that while he does have cancer, he cannot afford the funds for your cure. What would you do? KL: Come now, we all have our limits. I would gladly oblige the boy, assuming he has some sort of collateral and an excellent credit rating. Also, he would have to agree to perform certain chores around my home for the rest of his undoubtedly short and painful life. I'm a complete bastard, not a monster. DP: What do you have to say to your former employees, many of whom lost much or all of their retirement funds while you and your cronies sold your stock in advance of Enron's collapse? KL: Simply put, I'd tell them this -- fuck you. Fuck you ten ways to Sunday. Fuck you and your mother and your fucking sister, you fucking chumps. Fuck your Goddamn aunts and uncles and friends and pets and your fucking accountant and his fucking family. Then I'd laugh at them evilly, urinate on them and show them voodoo dolls of their children as I plunge inch-long pins into their necks and heads. You know, the standard routine. DP: Thanks very much, Mr. Lay. I know you have a flight to Buenos Aires to catch. KL: Not at all. See you in hell. (Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
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