Sex Tourism Industry "Totally Fucked" by Tsunami

BANDA ACEH (DPI) - The Southeast Asian sex tourism industry has been utterly devastated by the recent tsunami there, according to the group Sex Tours International. Mike Giustini, the current president of STI, says it may be years before the industry recovers. "You don't just order up a new batch of kids, you know," remarked Giustini. "It takes a while to find them." Fred Mortensen, an American sex tourist who was staying at Ampu Muang's PP Princess Resort when the disaster occurred, said he was amog the lucky ones who had time to visit the whores in the famed red-light districts ringing the resort before the tsunami hit. Said Mortensen, "I'm totally fucked, too -- but in a good way." Former sex-trade worker Nusaphong Anaparnapang, who smothered after he accidentally stumbled into a burial pit while attempting to kidnap pre-pubescent children in the tiny coastal town of Meulaboh, described himself as "totally dead."

(Reported by Brian Jones, Tristan Fabriani)


Mail-Room Worker Hailed as Football Prodigy

Austin, Tex. (DPI) - Steven "Stevie" Randolph, Correspondence Routing Specialist for the Austin firm Stenzel Anders & Logan, holds the distinction of being the only person in all of North America to predict all winners correctly in an office pool for the entire NFL Playoffs. Where ardent followers of the NFL and professional sports wagerers failed, Randolph triumphed with his unorthodox prognostication methodologies. When asked how he foresaw a stumbling 8-8 Minnesota Vikings team defeating the red-hot Green Bay Packers, Randolph declared "Purple is pretty!" Randolph merely stretched his arms straight out and ran around the office making a "VROOOM!" sound when asked about his prediction of the inconsistent New York Jets' victory over the surprising AFC Western Division Champion San Diego Chargers. Randolph's streak continued through the Super Bowl, when he not only predicted the Patriots' win, but also went against expert opinion in guessing that Sir Paul McCartney would trot out the worn-out chestnut Hey Jude for his big finale.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)