New Monkey Brain-Controlled Robotic Arm Leaves Humanity So, So Fucked

PITTSBURGH (DPI) – According to HealthDay News, a team of research scientists have arranged a way for monkeys to control robotic arms using only the power of their minds. This development, while altruistic in intent and revolutionary in design, will spell certain doom for the human race as our turd-chucking evolutionary cousins will soon quite literally take the upper hand.

Dr. Andrew Schwartz, professor at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine and senior researcher on this godforsaken project, insists that the project was designed to create a way for victims of paralysis to gain more self-reliance, and the monkeys are merely test subjects. Though the project's intentions are undeniably noble, the straight fact is that monkeys can now control robotic arms with their fucking brains!

In the successful experiments, a monkey with its arms restrained fed itself fruits and nuts with a robotic arm controlled by electrodes inside the subject's motor cortex. Now that the monkey subject has seen the benefit of the device already surgically implanted in his brain, wresting control back from him will prove nigh impossible. With the robotic arm at his disposal, Chim Chim is likely next to kill all the researchers, free himself from the restraints, re-program the arm for mass duplication, and summon a legion of monkeys to be refitted as merciless cybernetic warriors bent on utter conquest of the human race.

Dr. Schwartz and his team, blinded by benevolence in their quest to bring dignity to the least fortunate of our human brethren, has unwittingly ushered in all humanity's ignoble end. Our future, the nightmarish hellscape bastard progeny of the most chthonic elements of The Terminator and Planet of the Apes, is merely a question of time. Once our future simian Lord Dominator stops using the implement of our impending subservience to whack himself off. (Reported by Carl Knorr)