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02/18/03

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Alaric the Visigoth

Alaric Calls Bush's War Preparations "Womanish"

ATLANTA (DPI) - In a scathing criticism of President Bush's preparations for war with Iraq, CNN political analyst Alaric the Visigoth called current steps "womanish." "What does this dung heap hope will come from endless threats?" asked the king of the fifth-century Visigoth horde. "If Bush the Leaden-Tongued could trust his manhood and his horde, he would long ago have taken Saddam the Taunter's head without another word. It is best to let the unconquered learn to fear your silence. A wise barbarian's sword speaks for him."

Alaric sliced the ear off an insufficiently nimble reporter who asked if it were not prudent to get overwhelming force in place before an attack is launched. "Fools," said Alaric. "The Babbler's heralds have been heaping taunts upon Saddam the Unrelenting for months, warning him of invasion so that his horde stands ready, and all plunder has been hidden or sold, and women and children sent into hiding. There will be much torture and many beheadings before all is found. Even a bloodthirsty spear does not relish such needless busy work, and the shortage of women annoys the horde."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)