Mary Kay Pledges Cosmetics, Troops for Baghdad
DALLAS (DPI) - Mary Kay Inc. today announced that it has pledged to
supply essential cosmetics to the war effort should President Bush deem
it necessary to invade Iraq. Included in the pledge were sufficient
personnel to guarantee timely and equitable distribution of the
cosmetics. "After the invasion of Afghanistan, we at the Mary Kay
Charitable Foundation learned of the horrid conditions under which
Afghani women were forced to live -- without foundation, blush, mascara, or even lipstick," said Mary Kay spokesperson Saundra Peebles. "By the time the board could meet to discuss the matter, we were too late -- the burqas had already come off. But this time, we're ready. Before the world is subjected to the unfinished post-liberation Iraqi woman, Mary Kay will be there to cover her up."
(Reported by Charles Gulledge)
Competition Intensifies for Iraq's Axis of Evil Spot
WASHINGTON (DPI) - With the impending overthrow of Iraq looming large,
countries around the world are honing their evildoer chops in hope of
replacing Saddam's regime in President Bush's coveted Axis of Evil. "We are even now searching for a defenseless ethnic minority to gas," said one despot who wished to remain anonymous. "Ah, but that is old news," responded another merciless dictator. "Everybody more evil than Switzerland has gone the genocide route." Would-be Axis members are searching for just the right combination of nukes, bioweapons, religious fanaticism and oil reserves that will put them over the top.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Hollywood Lackeys Go For Oscar Gold
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (DPI) - Tinseltown's toadies, sycophants and hangers-on are kicking the ass-kissing up a notch with the onset of the Oscar race, which began with nominations on Tuesday. The phenomenon occurs each year as those with no industry-related skills seek to move up the
Hollywood food chain through association. Pool boy to the stars
Biff "Scoop" Turcott has seen his stock rise over the years to the
point where he's now often allowed to hang out with the limo drivers
outside A-list parties. The rewards for a successful lackey are many, from possessing the keys to Tom' Cruise's tool shed to occasionally driving Nick Nolte's car back from police impound.
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
Terror Alert Provides Actual Use for Christo
WASHINGTON (DPI) - With the terror threat newly elevated to orange, the
Department of Homeland Security has enlisted pop artist Christo to help
guard against chemical or biological attack. Christo, best known for
large-scale projects in which he has wrapped trees, buildings and even
entire landscapes in fabric, has agreed to put his talent to use covering
U.S. government buildings in plastic sheeting. "Christo is the world's
premier building-wrapper," said Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge.
Christo, tracked down at a Home Depot in suburban Washington, said, "I'm seeing the White House in a cerulean and the Pentagon in a key lime green."
(Reported by Peg Warner)
"Murder By Mercedes" Killer Sentenced to Death by Camry
Shatner's Toupee Put Down After Jogger Attacked
Pat Robertson Calls Prostate Cancer God's Retribution Against Sinners in His Pants
Despite Presidents Day Sales, Retailers Unable to Move Millard Fillmore
Ashcroft: Americans Should Go About Their Dirty, Sinful Business
Classified Section Editor Names Son Aaaron
Joke Saved by Jon Stewart's Perfectly-Timed Smirk
Astronomers' New Map of the Universe Confirms Kirstie Alley Can't Act
"Oh! Right There! Harder!": Naughty, Naughty Girl
The Sandler Factor
Unfrozen Caveman Ant Thaws Out History
Powell Reveals Audiotape of Saddam Confessing to
New Guidelines for Eating the Homeless
SANTA MONICA, Calif. (DPI) The Council for Eating the Homeless released
its long-awaited cooking guidelines this week. The new rules warn against
choosing the wild, disturbed, adventurous type as the constant running
about in insane fueled fury makes him tough and stringy -- the leg is
where all the good meat is. The most succulent homeless person has created
his own pen out of a box, moves very little and sits about all day
self-marinating in flavored spirits. This latter type is far harder to
clean, certainly, as he won't remove himself from his own waste, but
once he comes out of the oven, the effort put into cleaning him will
be deliciously worthwhile.
(Reported by Davejames)
Big-Head Texan Hospitalized With Head Injury
LUFKIN, Texas (DPI) - Lone Star State resident Rob Barlow was airlifted to Jim Bowie Medical Center in critical condition when his pride burst just after he finished planting a small Texas flag at the site where the 100th piece of space shuttle debris was found on his Nacogdoches County ranch. According to medical experts, such head injuries are common in Texas. Barlow's doctors said if he hadn't been wearing his cowboy hat, his head would have been all over the range just like the shuttle.
(Reported by Dave Henry)