Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
Oh, my God. I can't believe they're making me do a stupid advice column.
I'm in the middle of a show, for Crissake! This is so stupid. Oh well,
the lesbian ballet dancers cancelled on us, so we have to kill time
somehow. What is The Daily Probe, anyway? Sounds like what I'd like to
give Carmen Electra. Get it, Robin? A Daily Probe? So here we go...
I'm a college sophomore, and I've developed this serious crush on my
PoliSci prof. He's older - like, about 35 - and really seriously cute.
But I'm a student! How could he possibly be interested in me?
Crush-ed At Columbia
Come here, Honey... let me get a good look at you. Wow! You are one hot
piece of ass, aren't you? What are those, D-cups? Nice. Man, your cans
are hot, aren't they Robin? Let's get a look at that ass of yours, too.
Wow. I'm about 10 seconds away from jumping over this console and giving
you all of my tiny little penis. Jesus H. Christ, you are hot! Okay, Honey,
this is what you do... stay after class with one of your hot friends, and
then just start making out with her right in front of him - because guys
really love lesbians. Then tell him you want to take him home and have
him throw slices of baloney at your ass. If that doesn't get him for
you, then he's obviously some kind of freak. I mean look at you! Jesus,
I'm going to be pleasuring myself tonight, baby.
The other day, I was on the subway on the way to work, right? And I saw
this guy...YOU SUCK STERN! IMUS RULES, YOU BIG NOSED HALF JE...
Jesus Christ, what the hell's going on here? Get in here, Baba Booey.
Who's screening these letters anyway? You retard! Get out of my sight,
you make me sick! Tell Stuttering John if that happens again he's fired!
What kind of idiot morons do I have working for me? WHAT DID I DO TO
DESERVE THIS? I'M THE KING OF ALL MEDIA! CAN'T I GET SOME EMPLOYEES WITH
IQ'S HIGHER THAN A POTATO??? That's it. Gary, are you listening to me,
you big-lipped idiot? You tell Tom that's it -- after my contract is over
I'm quitting. I don't need this. Christ, where's my Xanax?
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)