Strippers Form League, Ink $130M Satellite Deal

Van Nuys, CA (DPI) – America's elite strippers have formed a competitive sport-like league in order to cash in on satellite TV's ravenous appetite for exclusive programming. Although only days old, the League of American Pole Dancers and Associated Night Club Entertainers (LAPDANCE) has already attracted the attention of the Dish Network, which is clamoring for exclusive coverage of its events and has offered the league $130 million for a 7-year contract.

League spokesperson and current Victoria's Secret Cup points leader Vixxxen de Juggs said she got the idea to form LAPDANCE "when I heard that NASCAR received $107 million for a friggin' radio deal. Light bulbs went off in my head -- which rarely happens! Guys spend 10 times as much on watching us girls do our thing than they do on NASCAR, but because those racing guys have a league, they get all the money. Hell, those morons just drive in circles -- where's the talent in that?" League director of operations Mounds O'Joy added a taunt directed at NASCAR's Jeff Gordon: "Hey, pretty boy -- I can take left turns at 100 mph. Can you shake your massive breasts seductively while hammered insurance salesmen stuff sweat-soaked singles in your undies?"

(Reported by Carl Knorr)


Rumor: Earnhardt, Jr to Retire After Daytona?

Charlotte, NC (DPI) – With his disappointing third-place finish in the 2005 Daytona 500 and his actions taken near his home since, legendary NASCAR progeny Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is rumored to be considering retirement. According to neighbors yesterday, Earnhardt, Jr. was spotted driving the speed limit and taking a right turn into a local convenience store, then driving home unaggressively in a sensible four-door sedan to present his girlfriend with the Oreos and ice cream she requested. Some reports say Earnhardt, Jr. even fiddled with the car's radio and eventually sang along.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)