Advice from Strangers
This Week's Guest
Dictator and President-for-Life,
(Travscribed by Travis Ruetenik)
Dear Mr. President,
I am frustrated with the current state of affairs in my hometown and am
thinking about seceding to form my own nation-state. Any advice?
Frazzled in Fresno
My dear subject,
Do look upon me, my child. Am I not grand upon my Presidential Recliner?
From here I can observe all of my subjects while surrounded by the
finest in cheeze snacks and domestic malt beverages. One cannot just
secede and build oneself a nation frivolously. It takes resolve and
know-how. Now kindly return the remote to its rightful spot as the
second period of the Wings game is beginning. Then be off.
Dear Exalted Leader,
I just learned that my wife is pregnant! How exciting is that? Will
being a father really change my life that much?
Papa in Poughkeepsie
Dear lower being,
Look upon the child whom I hold before you, young man. THIS is the
blessed one. Do not waste my time with idle talk of inferior breeding.
The Princess has no time for discussion of such matters. We are in the
Presidential Rose Garden, gallavanting about and reading Busy, Busy
Monkeys among the cool Travistani breeze, perfumed with the scent of
bursting Totino's Pizza Roll filling within the Official State Toaster
Oven. Your audience is over, my lad, so please take this child into your
work-weary hands and wipe her delicate bum so that it is free of faeces.
You'll need the practice.
Dear Holy One,
What is up with this sludge upon the tub? And the door to the hall
closet has slipped off its tracks yet again, spilling countless
provisions from your nation's storeroom upon the ground. Surely the
Travistani Health Ministry can do something? Our calls remain
unanswered! The people of your nation demand you address their demands!
Ticked Off in Travamabad
Dear concerned citizen,
Yes, Dear. I'll get right on it.