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02/25/03

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Advice from Strangers


This Week's Guest

Travis,
Dictator and President-for-Life,
Nation of Travistan



Dear Mr. President,

I am frustrated with the current state of affairs in my hometown and am thinking about seceding to form my own nation-state. Any advice?

Frazzled in Fresno


My dear subject,

Do look upon me, my child. Am I not grand upon my Presidential Recliner? From here I can observe all of my subjects while surrounded by the finest in cheeze snacks and domestic malt beverages. One cannot just secede and build oneself a nation frivolously. It takes resolve and know-how. Now kindly return the remote to its rightful spot as the second period of the Wings game is beginning. Then be off.

President Travis



Dear Exalted Leader,

I just learned that my wife is pregnant! How exciting is that? Will being a father really change my life that much?

Papa in Poughkeepsie


Dear lower being,

Look upon the child whom I hold before you, young man. THIS is the blessed one. Do not waste my time with idle talk of inferior breeding. The Princess has no time for discussion of such matters. We are in the Presidential Rose Garden, gallavanting about and reading Busy, Busy Monkeys among the cool Travistani breeze, perfumed with the scent of bursting Totino's Pizza Roll filling within the Official State Toaster Oven. Your audience is over, my lad, so please take this child into your work-weary hands and wipe her delicate bum so that it is free of faeces. You'll need the practice.

President Travis



Dear Holy One,

What is up with this sludge upon the tub? And the door to the hall closet has slipped off its tracks yet again, spilling countless provisions from your nation's storeroom upon the ground. Surely the Travistani Health Ministry can do something? Our calls remain unanswered! The people of your nation demand you address their demands!

Ticked Off in Travamabad


Dear concerned citizen,

Yes, Dear. I'll get right on it.

President Travis



(Travscribed by Travis Ruetenik)





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