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02/25/03

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Alaric the Visigoth

Large Number of Democratic Hopefuls,
Ensuing Slaughter, Encouraging

Alaric, King of the Visigoths and celebrity analyst for CNN's election coverage, expressed approval for the large number of Democratic presidential hopefuls throwing their hats into the ring. "True barbarians choose their leader through blood," stated the 5th-century sacker of Rome. "Worthy Democratic underlords are eager to slaughter each other, to raise themselves in the eyes of the horde, and to test the blood-lust of their spearmen. The Democratic horde does well in this."

"After many death matches, a true and worthy successor to Gore the Disappointing shall step forth, covered in the blood of his fallen opponents and strong in the eyes of the horde, to lead them to the doom of the GOP dogs. The season for the horde to challenge the might of Bush the Deceiver and spill his womanly entrails is coming."

Alaric dismissed concerns that such infighting will weaken the party's chances in the next election, creating rifts that may not be easy to gloss over, by deftly ripping the ear off the reporter posing the question. "Bah! Bush's dogs grow fat and soft from spoils, while those he pillages grow weary of providing plunder for his lords. All the while, the Democratic horde grows hard through constant battle. After the horde has chosen its warlord, its blood fired by his example in slaughtering his challengers, they shall be grim and remorseless in spilling Republican blood. Any who speak against this shall have their unworthy tongues split."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)