Alaric the Visigoth
Large Number of Democratic Hopefuls,
Alaric, King of the Visigoths and celebrity analyst for CNN's election
coverage, expressed approval for the large number of Democratic presidential
hopefuls throwing their hats into the ring. "True barbarians choose their
leader through blood," stated the 5th-century sacker of Rome. "Worthy
Democratic underlords are eager to slaughter each other, to raise themselves
in the eyes of the horde, and to test the blood-lust of their spearmen. The
Democratic horde does well in this."
"After many death matches, a true and worthy successor to Gore the
Disappointing shall step forth, covered in the blood of his fallen opponents
and strong in the eyes of the horde, to lead them to the doom of the GOP
dogs. The season for the horde to challenge the might of Bush the Deceiver
and spill his womanly entrails is coming."
Alaric dismissed concerns that such infighting will weaken the party's
chances in the next election, creating rifts that may not be easy to gloss
over, by deftly ripping the ear off the reporter posing the question. "Bah!
Bush's dogs grow fat and soft from spoils, while those he pillages grow
weary of providing plunder for his lords. All the while, the Democratic
horde grows hard through constant battle. After the horde has chosen its
warlord, its blood fired by his example in slaughtering his challengers,
they shall be grim and remorseless in spilling Republican blood. Any who
speak against this shall have their unworthy tongues split."
by Ishmael Alighieri)