U.N. Weapons Inspectors Uncover Weapons of Masturbation
Bush Brushes Aside Magic 8-Ball Protest,
Pushes Ahead With War
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Despite repeated protests from his Magic 8-Ball, President Bush is determined to go to war with Iraq. Thousands of
queries to the device yielded impassioned anti-war protests last
week. Asked if the war will go smoothly, the peaceful 8-Ball answered,
"No." Asked if the United States will maintain its commitment in a post-war
Iraq, the 8-Ball replied, "Ask again later." Asked if U.S.
assertion of power will lead to grudging respect in NATO and the United Nations, the
8-Ball replied, "What, are you kidding me?" Bush forged ahead with war
plans, saying, "In a democracy, our toys are entitled to their opinions,
but this is a serious life-or-death matter of American security. 8-Ball
or no 8-Ball, I'm going to war."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
People Start Hating SUV Owners Again
BALTIMORE (DPI) - People throughout the Northeast are beginning to hate SUV
owners all over again. During the Presidents Day blizzard, SUV owners
performed such vital tasks as taking doctors to the hospital, hoarding duct
tape from Home Depot, and critical replenishing of liquor supplies. But
as streets are plowed and people dig out, they are quickly slipping in public opinion. A DPI poll in the capital region showed the popularity of
SUV owners has fallen below that of the French, which is actually below
pre-blizzard levels. "My neighbor has been
gloating for the last several days about how he was able to drive in the
snow," said one resident. "Luckily, his Suburban is still rolled on its side along I-95."
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Student Recovering After Discovering Wrong Way to Eat a Reese's
MELBOURNE, Australia (DPI) - Intermediate School student Kelli
Leonard, 12, was in stable condition after undergoing emergency
surgery to repair damage caused by eating a Reese's Peanut Butter
Cup in a previously undiscovered wrong way. "We were shocked
at not only the cause, but also the severity of the injuries
to Miss Leonard," said Box Hill Hospital spokeswoman Cary Jessier.
"Injuries of this type are unheard-of in modern snack food consumption."
According to Jessier, the trauma surgery team performed multiple
skin grafts, orthopedic restoration and an emergency transplant
of three of Leonard's peanut-butter clogged organs. The injury
is thought to be the worst in Australia's snack-food community
since 1994, when a 23-year-old man underwent multiple surgeries
and months of physical rehabilitation after discovering something
that wasn't better when it sat on a Ritz.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Crapper Killer Acquitted
FORT WORTH, Texas (DPI) - Carl Evans is a free man once again after his acquittal on charges he murdered coworker Matthew
Pickard with a toilet seat. His jury returned the verdict today after listening silently, some in tears, while Evans testified in his own defense during his trial in state district court. From the witness stand, he recounted the day six
months ago when he stepped into the men's-room stall Pickard had just
vacated only to find a wet seat. "I blacked out after that," Evans told a packed courtroom. "They tell me they found
Matt dead at his desk, with the seat still dripping and hanging around
his neck, but I don't remember any of that." In arguing for a not-guilty verdict, defense lawyers cited Texas' "He Needed Killin'" statute.
(Reported by Charles Gulledge)
Experts: Kim Jong-Il Has Haircut of Man Willing to Use Nukes
Billy Joel Maintains Innocence in Nightclub Fire
Weird Tongue Thing Enters Third Day Following Teeth-Cleaning
Human Shield Proud to Protect Iraq's Best Anthrax
Johnny Paycheck Direct-Deposited Into Grave
ABC Accused of Sensationalism: Shocking Facts Tonight on FOX!
$26 Billion to Turkey More Money Than You Can Even Imagine, My Unemployed Friend
Ridge Declares Country "Ready, Ready, Teddy, to Rock and Roll"
White-Run Corporations Celebrate Black History Month
7-Eleven Urges Stockpiling Slurpees
Dokken to Cease Use of Pyrotechnics in Future Shows, Should They Occur
Restaurant-Employed Friend Ruins Yet Another Restaurant Meal
House Becoming Overrun With Throw Pillows
Origin of Boogers Tops 2nd-Grade Bestseller List
NEW YORK (DPI) - Seven-year-old author Ryo Matsuki's The Origin of
Boogers by Means of Finger Selection is atop the national second-grade
bestseller list for the 18th consecutive week. Matsuki, whose
previous novel, The Adventures of Dingleberry Ken, also spent time on
the bestseller list, has steadfastly denied accusations that his
works are plagiarized from famous books, saying through his agent, "I
didn't copy nothing, Mom." Fans of the author's work are ebullient
in their praise for his latest. "Man, it's
cool -- there's boogers and snot in almost every paragraph!" said Mikey Pitzer, 8. Matsuki
is not without his detractors, though. Amy Monahan, 8, claimed she
couldn't get past the first chapter, labeling the tome "really,
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Coffee Shop Freak Getting Weirder and Weirder
TABLE BEHIND YOU (DPI) - An obvious freak who sat down at the Coffee Talk coffee
shop 20 minutes ago is clearly not getting any less weird, her behavior
would indicate. Entering quietly wearing a sandblaster's filter mask, a cast
on one arm and leopard-print shoes, the woman set off key freak sensors
immediately, reaching Code Red when she set an expensive-looking Pentax
camera and Sony Handycam on the table and sat silently rummaging through a
plastic grocery bag for several minutes. The woman, thought to be in her
late 50s and either Chinese or Korean, then spent the next 11 minutes
studying the shop's menu while other patrons pretended not to look at her.
The woman is currently said to be negotiating detailed sales terms on a
vegetarian sandwich with "no meat."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)