CURRENT ISSUE 02/25/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting with Push Riding Shotgun with Adventure Frank Haskins Alaric Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Faith McDonald    Old School Rating: 0 stars (out of 5) Hey gang ... are you in the mood for 90 minutes of suck? If so, have I got the flick for you! Maybe it's me. I'll be the first to admit that my social schedule has been crummy since taking this job. Monday night, I could have gone to Broker Night at The Hungry Crocodile, because Monday is the night all the hotties from TD Price Waterhouse show up for their pub night. Instead, I was seeing this stupid movie while Wendy was there getting all the hot/rich guys for herself. She told me afterward that she gave this one guy a handjob in his car. That could have been me, you know. (Although I'm 80 percent sure I wouldn't have given him a handjob ... I have more respect for myself than that. Maybe ... MAYBE ... if he was really cute, or really well off, but that's it.) So once again, Wendy gets the good guys. Apparently he's taking her out to Oliver's for dinner next Monday. It could very well have been me sampling their exclusive selection of pastas and cheeses from Italy, but I'm not a whore. And I'm not so slutty good-looking. And I have to see another one of these stupid movies. Oh, and I have self-respect. So anyway, Old School is about a bunch of jerks who want to score with young chicks, because attractive 30-something accounting reps are apparently beneath them. It stars the cute Luke Wilson and Vince Vaughn, as well as Will Ferrell, who isn't much to look at but probably really brings in the bank. Wilson's whore of a girlfriend is having gang-bangs while he's out of town, so he moves into a new place near a university so him and his mid-life crisis buddies can nail skanks like Elisha Cuthbert. What. Ever. So, when they almost get kicked out, they form a fraternity so they can be all testosterone-y and stay in the house. Then they do stupid guy things like fucking girls young enough to be their daughters (if they had kids when they were teenagers ... like my friend Becky). Did I tell you that Wendy has a boyfriend? Well, he's not so much a boyfriend as a guy who nails her a couple of times a week and then takes her places like the symphony and stuff. It's not like he loves her or anything. I mean, how could he? I think when he's looking for love, he'll head in Faith's direction. After all, I have more to offer him than Wendy does, like a brain and morals. And I've already got my china pattern picked out so he doesn't have to worry about it. See, I'm not only a better catch than Miss Blonde-Double-C-Cup, but I plan ahead. Not like little-miss-sort-of-2-timing-guy-hog. Oh, so back to the movie. It's stupid. Wilson is a lawyer, and Vaughn is a millionaire, yet they chase after these cute, perky little Wendy-like whores instead of grounded, smart women who are closer to their age and can have intelligent conversations about important things. I swear, it's movies like this that ruin it for all of us smart girls. Movies like this and bitches like Wendy. The only people who will like this movie are women with no self-respect, young girls with no self-respect, and guys with financial security that would rather blow a load than come home to a smart, intelligent woman who goes to Weight Watchers even though she doesn't need to, all to keep herself trim because she cares about her appearance and didn't win the genetic metabolism lottery. You can all go to hell. The rest of us will just stay home and watch Sex and the City on DVD, thank you very much.
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