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CURRENT ISSUE Week of February 28 - March 4, 2005 Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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ST. LOUIS (DPI) - Space and time experienced a rift yesterday as homemaker Ellen Fazio removed the final garbage bag from the box, and turned the tables by dropping the box into the bag. Scientists studying the relationship between matter and time are gathering around Fazio's kitchen, where an intergalactic wormhole is said to be forming. "It appears that what was the beginning has now become the end," said MIT's Dr. Kim Seung Young, staring into the swirling vortex. "The mother has become the child, and what was has now become inseparable with what is." "Ooooooh," commented Cal Tech's Edward O'Mallory. Fazio's singularity is the most exciting development in theoretical kitchen physics since 1998, when a black hole emerged after a woman in Mexico used a sponge to clean out the bristles of a dish scrubber. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) |
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 Jackson Jury Arrives at Verdict: Eagerly Awaits Start of Trial Hyundai Sonata Sales Up 2500% Among NHL Players BTK Killer SOL GOP Takes On AARP Over SS, Whatever the Fuck That Means Pacino Admits to Bank Robbery During Oscars Jamie Foxx Acceptance Speech Sets Child Abuse Advocacy Back Fifty Years  Going to Love Eating at Roy Rogers!
When I indulged in my very first meal at my local Roy Rogers last week, I discovered that Roy Rogers doesn't just give you run-of-the-mill fast food, prefering to offer a unique dining experience featuring chow that tastes just like ass. Hey, anybody can sell you a cheeseburger-and-fries combo, but only Roy Rogers can create the same taste sensation of your last rimjob! Take their 1/2-pound burger for instance -- it looks like a typical fast food sandwich, but when you taste it, you ll swear that your eating the ol' browneye. I guess the good people at Roy Rogers figured that ass is the new chipotle! And if you like the taste of sailor ass, don t forget to try their fish sandwich. It s 100% North Atlantic halibut, but you ll think you're eating brown starfish! If you like tossing salads, you ll love their tossed salad. Imagine the freshest mixed greens, ripe vine tomatoes, crunchy cucumber slices and toasty croutons, all served on a bed of funky, puckered hoop, and you ll have an idea of just how ass-scrumpious it is! And to wash it all down, top it off with a tall Dr. Pepper, dispensed through plastic lines that have never been cleaned -- you'll swear you're gulping down 32 ounces of icy, cold rectal sweat. So if you want a fast meal at a great price that tastes like taint, make it Roy Rogers! (Transcribed by Gus Harris) |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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