Fossett Planning to Circle World in Kangaroo
Blake Rejected for "Camp Cupcake"
Van Nuys, Calif. (DPI) - Glowing reviews by Martha Stewart prompted lawyers for actor Robert Blake
to file a preemptive motion on Friday. In the event the former Baretta
star is found guilty of murdering his wife, they requested he be
incarcerated at the Alderson Federal Women's prison, widely known as
"Camp Cupcake." Superior Court Judge Darlene Schempp flatly dismissed the
request but did offer some conciliatory insight. Regardless of where he
is sent, Blake will most likely be given the nickname "Cupcake" by the other inmates.
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
Citizens Surprised by Quick March Arrival After 28-Day February
WASHINGTON (DPI) - A general sense of surprise is
being reported across the nation as Americans are
realizing that March 2005 is already four days old.
"It's what?! March 4, already?! Holy shit!" as
expressed by Washington law clerk Rhonda Philborn,
appears to be the prevailing sentiment as shocked
Americans verify their calendars. "Last Friday was
just the 25th of February," continues Philborn, "How
the hell could this happen?"
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Martha Stewart Unveils New Line of Electronic Ankle Bracelets
Dearth of Newsworthy Paris Hilton Airheaded Blunders Enters Second Week
BLT Murderer Still at Large, Public Advised to Avoid Secret Sauce
So, I'm 90 and I Acted Good
Just Like You Said I Should...
A guest Probeatorial
by Ernest "Ernie" Watts, age 90
Well, I took take of myself just like everybody said I
should have. My goodness, it was a lot of work. But
everybody said, "Brush your teeth," and "Eat plenty of
greens," and that's what I sure as shootin' did. It
wasn't fun, but I still try to swallow down three helpings
of greens or roots or something wholesome a day.
And you know what? I made it here to 90 years old. My
gosh, I never thought I could do it. Everybody said
that when I was smokin' those cigars back in Enewietok
during the war that I was setting up to take a minute,
or MORE, off my life for each one of them! And here I
am -- quit the tobacco, and am sharp as a tack at 90.
Then there was that preacher who caught me losing my
lunch over the latrine that one day back in
Birmingham. I was ashamed to show my face in church
for about five years after that. My gosh, how life can
make a fool outta ya if you put your guard down.
Haven't touched more than a little snifter of the
liquor since then.
So, anyway, I think I made a good soul outta myself
like I should have. And yeah, if I think about it,
yes, it probably feels like the right thing to do.
So. I made it, right? Ah, I hoped so. So... Now what?
(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)
McQuigly and Moss
Looking for My Prince Charming
By Anna Moss
The recent announcement of Britain's Prince Charles "wedding" to non-royal
Camilla Bowles has been a very hot topic these last couple of weeks,
especially in Great Britain. Are kings and queens out of date? Should they be done away
with since they really have no political power? In one word: Hell no! (Okay, two words)
If anything, keep them for sentimental value. Plus they're fun when they
get involved in a royal scandal.
The hard part for a royal is finding another royal to marry who also has
a title (just ask Prince Chuck). Princess Thespa couldn't stand the thought of
marrying Prince Valium and ran (flew) away. Good thing Lonestar was a prince and
just didn't know it. And think of those poor princes and princesses that
were forced to marry by their parents, sometime to keep peace between two warring
houses. Just because you are a prince or
princess doesn't mean you're not a hideous beast. Which brings me to Star Trek: The
Next Generation, episode 36: The Dauphin, where Wesley falls prey to
a paramour (practicing for that spelling bee had its advantages!) who is
promised in marriage to another race and who is definitely not what she seems to be.
When I visited England with the chess club, I was awed by the royal
presence. The guards, the palace and so on. Now we're not talking about kings and
queens ruling their worlds with an iron fist. That honor goes to dictators.
Sudan comes to mind. It doesn't even have to be an actual king or queen. It can
simply be a Baron Harkonnen or the Emperor who lured Darth Vader to the
dark side and so on.
Sure, almost every world Kirk visited had some sort of royal leader, but
there's not a king or queen in the universe who could whoop Kirk. I'm not
going to touch the subject of our president thinking he won by divine
intervention. All I know is they play Hail to the Chief every time the president
enters the room as opposed to Hail to the Extreme Exalted Ruler Picked by God.
Divine intervention only happens in movies (and certain alien races). I agree
that it's harder to overthrow a king than a president, mainly because royalty
usually surrounds themselves with tons of guards.
But present day royalty do no harm. It's the dictators or military coup
leaders that we should worry about. I say keep the traditions alive. Besides,
Prince William is so friggin' cool.
A Royal Pain in the Ass
By Dirk McQuigly
Royal families like the ones whose personal exploits dominate the pages of
the sleazy British press in the same way Bruce Campbell's rumored homosexual
lifestyle dominates the pages of Fangoria Magazine are an outdated,
meaningless waste of money just like the Sci Fi Channel's remake of Battlestar
Think about it: There's no real purpose for them in government. They don't
do anything I'm aware of other than address crowds in times of crisis and
shake dignitaries' hands at big, important dinners. They're basically just
overpaid, over-indulged and over-hyped spokespeople. You can say the same thing for
Think about this, too: Exactly how much money are they wasting indulging
the lifestyles of these pompous indulgent in breeders? Tradition must be a huge
financial burden for these people. They live in huge homes, eat lavish food
and require more special personal treatment than Jabba the Hutt at a Jenny
If we truly believe in democracy, it's time to tell these countries to get
with the program. And, just like Iraq, if they won't listen, then send in the
clones because there's a war that's worth fighting.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)