CURRENT ISSUE 3/5/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Dennis Miller Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Probe SWAG! Who's at Fault? Contact Us	Scientists Close to Determination of "Crazy Cat Lady" Number of Cats COPENHAGEN (DPI) - Quantum threshold researchers heralded the latest announcement from the Université de Chat Metric in Orsay, France that women owning five cats fall below the "Crazy Cat Lady" boundary. This, coupled with the finding of a Barcelona team late last year that owners of 11 cats fell above this elusive level, provides its most exact measurement to date. "A six-cat range may sound large to you, but as recently as 1981 we were reporting uncertainties in the decacat range," lead scientist Dr. Emil Cheeks said. "We should have it down to within three cats before 2005." Independent and unaffiliated parties received this latest news with a mixture of emotions. "I feel personally vindicated: I KNOW I'm not a nut," reported Marcie Feldspar of Union City, South Dakota, owner and haberdasher of five cats. "Just like I've been telling everyone for years." Gladys Holden of Erie, Pennsylvania -- a mainstay in the field of cat-based insanity -- remains adamant and outspoken in her refusal to accept the Barcelona figure, though. "I got 18 cats. But would a 'Crazy Cat Lady' know the birth dates and horoscopes of each of their extended family?" To date, Cheek's team has chosen to answer this in the affirmative. A promising Helsinki University study has shown the possible existence of "Alternative Pet Fringes" around the CCL boundary lately. One owner of five cats also had 12 hamsters, and contributed to the detection of a disputed spike near the five-cat lower bound. So far, independent corroboration of these theoretical diffraction fringes has not been made. Likewise, elusive "virtual smearing" of the upper bound preceded its actual detection owing to the admission by Holden that, "Some of my cats are the imaginary and Chia kind." Cheeks speculates that, "If that woman had been just a little less eccentric, we'd be dealing with a radically different value right now." (Reported by Martin Bredeck & Chris White)
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