Clinton Undergoes Surgery to Remove Scarlet Letter
NEW YORK (DPI) - Former President Clinton will have corrective surgery to remove
the stigma from his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky, his office
said today. The surgery will take place Thursday at the same New York hospital
where Clinton underwent open heart surgery in September 2004, only this time the
surgery team will consist of Dr. Phil, Patch Adams and ER's Anthony Edwards. As lead
surgeon Dr. Phil put it, "This poor man has a mark that time will not heal. There's
no other option than to get in there and surgically remove that 'A.'" Senator Hillary Clinton's
request to perform the anesthesia was denied.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Offshore Betting Site Suspends Wagers On Iraqi Assassinations
ST. JOHNS, Antigua (DPI) - Internet betting company, GoldenPalace.com has
stopped taking wagers as to when high ranking Iraqi officials will be
assassinated. The announcement was made Monday shortly after an Iraqi
deputy police chief was killed in an attack outside his home. "It was
another unusually big payout," stated GoldenPalace CEO Richard
Rowe. "We are losing our shirts on this stuff."
According to Rowe, the trend has seen unusually large bets placed on
officials' lives just prior to what is inevitably a horrific and violent
demise. "Most of the bets seem to be coming from the Langley, Virginia
area," added Rowe. "Localized activity like that is usually an indicator
of some kind of insider action, like the Seattle-based betting we had on
the outcome of Survivor 4."
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
Victim: Michael Jackson Changed My Life, Underpants
Bono to Head World Bank; Ozzy to Head FDA
Syria Promises to Pull Out Before Climaxing
Pope Vows Not to Die Before Finishing DaVinci Code
If You Don't Buy a New Honda Accord
From Us Right Now, We Are So Fucked!
A guest Probeatorial by
Sweet Jesus, words cannot express just how overstocked
we are at Webb Honda with beautiful new '05 Honda
Accords and Pilots!
We are screwed, blued, and tattooed here, people. Our
lot is so full that you couldn't fit a twat hair
between these cars, and we've got 48 more units on
their way here on the Thruway right now. If we don't
get rid of these babies pronto, my boss is going to
fucking disembowel every salesperson right here in the
goddamn showroom, I shit you not. And that means that
there has *never* been a better time to get a great
deal on a new or used Honda. We simply have no more
space for these cars, so we can't afford to fuck
around -- we *must* give you the best deal ever offered
in the history of the motherfucking planet.
Right now, I personally have a couple of Honda Civics
shoved up my ass, because there just isn't any more
room here. I'd jam a third one up there too if I had
the space in my colon, but I'm maxed out. Am I getting
through to you people? We are not jerking you off here
-- this is the most incredible opportunity to purchase
a great Honda at a great price ever witnessed by God
or man. In fact, these prices are so good, the
second coming of Jesus occurred today -- he simply had
to come back to see these prices!
Only a colossal douchebag would miss out on a chance
like this to save, so please, come on down to webb
Honda quick, while I still have my entrails inside of
(Reported by Gus Harris)
The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
My 3-year-old daughter is having a problem with a much smaller 2-year-old. Often my daughter
will bring along a doll or other toy to play with when we go to the park, but she usually
loses interest after a while. At that point, the toddler will start playing with it. Suddenly,
my daughter wants it back. If I tell her that she needs to share, she begins a tantrum. Then,
last week, when I told the toddler that it was time for her to give the toy back to my daughter,
the other mother looked at me like I was evil. This is creating a lot of tension for me.
What do you suggest?
Wound Up in Winnetka
What do I suggest, Ms. Up? I suggest you cease your myopic and Pollyanic sense of species
nobility and realize that humans are little more than an extensive pack of bipedal jackals with
Everybody in your scenario comprehends that fact save for you, Wound. Your daughter strives to
keep what is hers whether it interests her or not. The toddler clings to recently-acquired objects
with the zeal of a methed-up Jehovah's Witness. The toddler's mother protects her vicarious bounty
through the human Alpha Female's weapon of choice: guilt-laden intimidation. Yet you shrink in
flaccid timidity, willing to relinquish property in order to avoid conflict. I submit that you,
the advocate for civility, are the aberration among your race!
Humans... fah! Abhorrent wretches! You cleave to one another out of weakness and deficiency,
euphemistically granting this confederation of fatuous inferiors the moniker "society" -- yet
the more esteemed a society is as "advanced", the more its concept of success is rooted in
self-elevation at the expense of the masses!
I swear on Xargol's Seven Teats, this intricate and ubiquitous web of self-delusion is the
fabric which holds together your frail and feeble human family! I am beginning to think I
needn't amass my Army from the Sea, so much as to hold the unblinking mirror of Truth before
your mole-like eyes until your are blinded by its unforgiving light!*
In my observation of human relations, Wound, sharing is only put into practice by the followers
of an eggplant-hued reptile-suit-wearing pederast... a fact even your three-year-old daughter
has surmised. Dullard! Quit my sight before I disembowel you with my cat-litter scoop!
*XIC2 clearly states "Never underestimate a living enemy," so I will continue to assemble my armies.
Prepare to be crushed beneath the might of ... blah blah blah... you know the rest.
(Translated by Carl Knorr)