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March 7-11,
2005

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March 10, 2005

Bush Pushes for Social Security "Players Card"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush has proposed giving participants in his private Social Security account plan membership in the Social Security Players Club, with benefits and privileges at various Las Vegas casinos. For every million dollars taken out of the Social Security Trust Fund, membership cardholders will receive a comped room at the Bellagio Casino and access to the buffet at Caesar's Palace, among other perks. Critics of the plan attacked the risk inherent in gambling with previously guaranteed Social Security benefits, but Bush responded that people enjoy the thrill of gambling and will jump at the chance to win tickets to Blue Man Group at the Luxor. The president even proposed a slogan for his plan: "It's your retirement -- Let It Roll!"'

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

G-Unit Spokesman: 50 Cent, The Game Call Truce; Admit They Both Suck

BALTIMORE (DPI) - Rapper 50 Cent ended his short-lived blood-feud with once and future G-Unit partner The Game. A G-Unit spokesman explained that with time, cooler heads prevailed, and the rappers realized they need to stick together to stay strong. "Look, have you heard Game's solo shit?" continued the spokesman. "Awful approximate rhymes and rhythms that ain't nowhere but in Game's head? Damn! He needs 50 to work with him if he wants to stay in the rap game! And off the record -- 50 is one ugly motherfucker. He needs Game's pretty face in his crew if he ever wants to tour again!"

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Tiger Climbs Off Super-Model Wife Long Enough to Climb Back Atop Leaderboard

Girl Scout Hits Cookie Sales Jackpot with Jenny Craig Front Door Location

Bush Insists Upper-Class Tax Cuts Will Save Pope

U.S. Promises to Stop Shooting at Journalists Who Are Going to Make a Stink About It

Angry Mobs Demand That Syria Take Responsibility for Kirstie Alley

Rookie Coroner Disappointed That New Career Isn't Very CSI-ey

GARY, Indiana (DPI) - Inspired by the highly stylized TV drama CSI, Tony Romano earned a Bachelors Degree in Forensic Science. Unfortunately, he finds himself to be quite disappointed that his new line of work isn't all that similar to his favorite television show.

"On CSI, they have that architecturally sleek forensics building with the ultra-modern furniture and the shiny table tops. Here in Gary, all we've got is your typical single story cinder block municipal shitbox with particle board desks and wooden tables where the suspects have carved up every square inch of the surfaces with graffiti."

The forensics staff have also failed to meet Romano's expectations. "The women here aren't all beautiful or mysterious or overly serious in a cool sort of way, not to mention their complete lack of cleavage. Mostly it's just a couple of middle-aged receptionists with big hair who go on and on about their kids or their pet dogs." Romano is equally displeased with his boss. "No quirky, brilliant William Petersens or intensely moody David Caruso's here," groused Romano. "My boss is a 56 year-old Lutheran with Hagar slacks and a combover who is counting down the days until he can retire on a full pension."

Romano was also dismayed to learn that as a coroner, he isn't allowed to conduct SWAT team-style break-ins of suspects' apartments nor interrogations in which he can con a murderer into inadvertently providing him with a DNA sample via a glass of water or a cigarette butt.

The disillusioned Romano also says that "the straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday, when I was examining a darkened room at a crime scene with a little flashlight, and my boss made me turn on the lights so that I could see better."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Musing With Mitch

by Mitchell Kobriger

Watch out, ladies. It's almost spring, and Mitch is on the prowl, if you know what I mean.

I think my favorite wind instrument would have to be the oboe, but not for the reasons you're thinking.

I used to run into guys named Bruce all the time. Not anymore, though. Where'd all the Bruces go?

Lee Majors is getting fat. And it's a damn shame if you ask me.

Have you ever eaten a bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup? Well, I haven't either, but I'll bet it would be delicious.

How did this Jamie Oliver kid get to be so famous? Honestly folks. I can't understand a damn word he's saying.

If I wanted publicity, I'd call myself M. Kitty, date a big-butted floozy and whip out a pistol at the barbershop -- that always seems to get ink!

Hey, Nabisco! Put the white creamy stuff back in my Oreos -- then leave them the hell alone!

Idea! If someone were to invent a desk that magnifies the entire room, I wouldn't need these reading glasses.

Did that little dog ever catch the Chuck Wagon? Boy, would I love to have seen that!

I lost my '89 Princess Di commemorative plate in a poker game some years back. It was a real wake-up call, let me tell you.

What's all this about trouble in Lebanon? I thought they fixed that years ago.

You can keep your fancy bottled water. When ol' Mitch gets thirsty, he drinks right from the garden hose.

Marcel Marceau might really have made something of himself if he had tried stand-up comedy. I understand he was a real cut-up.

Those Canadians are dead to me. I never thought this day would come, but here it is.