Al-Qaeda Mastermind/Porn Actor Ron Jeremy Arrested



Poorly Organized Peace Activists of America March on Washington

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Poorly Organized Peace Activists of America yesterday brought their anti-war message to Washington. Poor planning, however, caused problems with the march. "Our biggest issue was location," said Marco Kent, POPAA's president. "Some members are currently in Washington state or on Mt. Washington, and some somehow ended up at Washington's grave." Additional problems resulted when the organization failed to notify District of Columbia police and moved into Dupont Circle during rush hour. POPAA is hoping to have another march, although they don't expect to be ready for "like three years, maybe," said Kent.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

New Alan Jackson Song Contains Even More Ignorant Patriotic Fervor

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (DPI) - Encouraged by the success of his hit single "Where Were You (When the Lights Went Out)," country star Alan Jackson has set to work on a sequel. In "Where Were You," Jackson expressed pride at not knowing the difference between Iraq and Iran. In his new single, "Where Was I (When Geography Class Was Going On)," Jackson spins yet another heart-warming tale of his lack of knowledge of all things non-American. In his new release, Jackson serenades listeners with his confusion between Austria and Australia, Switzerland and Sweden, and Cancun and Canada.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Hussein Kills Image-Softeners

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Consultants hired by Saddam Hussein to soften his image were executed on Monday as his international approval ratings remained stagnant. The consultants, who advised the Iraqi leader to wear more earth tones and to shy away from the retro-Josef Stalin look, were beaten and beheaded, then dragged through the streets with piano wire. The Iraqi government issued a statement noting that Hussein's execution of the unsuccessful consultants only shows the world "how serious (he) is about reforming his image with the international community."

(Reported by Davejames)

Woman Kills Husband for Drinking Bottled-Water Supply

BOSTON (DPI) - Debra-Jo Turner remained in police custody this evening after the body of Wayne Turner was found in a Dumpster full of empty Poland Spring water jugs. "I told him that water was there to save our lives, that President Bush and Tom Ridge told me I needed to have 2 gallons of water for each person in our family," Turner said as officers led her away. "It's like Wayne doesn't even care that I had to fight Emma's Sunday School teacher for the last jug. So you can understand why I just completely lost it when I saw him using the jugs to fill the fish tank." Dinah Booth, the Sunday School teacher, could not be reached for comment.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

NRA Defends Saddam's Possession of Chemical Weapons

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The National Rifle Association today endorsed Iraq's right to possess weapons of mass destruction. NRA spokesman Colt Winchester called U.S. demands that Saddam Hussein disarm an obvious breach of the Iraqi leader's Second Amendment rights. "They start off by taking weapons of mass destruction away from totalitarian dictators, but where will it end?" said Winchester. "Next thing you know, the left wing is in your own house trying to take away your long range missiles." The NRA also announced plans for a Million Cold Dead Hands March for later in the month.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Americans Demand Bribe to Support War, "Just Like Turkey"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After hearing about the multi-billion-dollar bribe package President Bush is offering Turkey for its war support, American voters have organized to demand a bribe for their own endorsement. "Why should the foreigners get all the bribe money?" said Marjorie Douglas, president of Americans For Iraqi War Bribes. "Many Americans oppose the war, but could be brought around for just pennies on the dollar of what it costs to buy foreign allies." Responding to such calls for bribes for American war support, Bush said, "That's what the tax cuts were for. It certainly wasn't an economic policy."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Goth Chick Shocks Friends With Frilly Floral Sun Dress, Henna