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March 12, 2002



Bono Leverages Third World Suffering to Avoid Speeding Ticket

NEW YORK (DPI) - New York State Trooper Bud Stevenson received the surprise of his career yesterday when he discovered that the driver of a speeding car he pulled over was Bono from the Irish pop band U2. "He was doing 83 in a 65, so I was gonna write him up," said the stunned police officer, "but now I understand how petty my concerns were in light of all those tortured political prisoners overseas, massive debts in the third world, and the ever-growing spread of AIDS in underdeveloped nations. I ended up letting him off with just a warning." Added a chagrined Stevenson: "He had me as soon as I saw those sunglasses."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)


Greenspan Takes His Act on the Road

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After basking in the glow of thrilled Senate and House audiences over the past few weeks, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan announced today that he's taking his "Wizard of Wall Street" act on a 37-city American tour, beginning with a 10-day stay at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. "Watch me pull an economic recovery out of my hat!" the financier told a hushed crowd of traders and bankers. "Nothing but a few leading economic indicators up my sleeves," he continued, then, with a wave of a rolled-up Wall Street Journal, Greenspan caused the ferocious recession to vanish in a puff of quarterly earnings reports. Opening for Greenspan in Vegas will be Ken Lay and His Disappearing Shareholder Equity Dancers. Tickets are available at www.$abracadabra$.com

(Reported by Joseph Moore and Chris White)


Stop Staring at My Tits

TALLAHASSEE (DPI) - What the hell is your problem, mister? I see the way you keep looking over at them, don't think I haven't noticed. Maybe you should take a picture, huh? They aren't here for you to gawk at, you know. If you don't stop staring I'll knock your damned teeth in! And you won't even be able to describe me to the police since you haven't looked any higher than my neck, you pervert! Jeez, a woman can't dress for the weather without some jerkwad taking it as an open invitation to ogle her breasts? I mean it, now...stop staring at my tits!

(Reported by Kevina Paula Wickart)


Woman Still Misses That Guy from INXS

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Glendale resident Beatrice Taggert is still despondent about the suicide death of the lead singer from the band INXS. "I never knew him personally," Miss Taggert explained between sobs, "but that guy was so good and so young, and I miss him so much." INXS was most popular in the late '80s and had several songs on the radio and MTV. Taggert fondly remembered that video for that one song where the guy was walking along a European-type river. "I don't know how he could kill himself," she concluded, "That guy meant so much to me."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)




Georgia Appetites Down 46%

Weather: Partly Inaccurate with Scattered Disappointment

Lounge Singer Goes a Little Something Like This

Romantic Evening Ruined by Beating, Rape, Murder

Condit Thanks Constituents for Seven House Terms, Pussy

Larry King Takes Gold in Softball

Motivational Speaker Accuses Crematory Corpses of "Stinkin' Thinkin'"

Time-Management Guru Masters AA in 9 Steps

More headlines




Apple Announces New iPad

A Conversation with Gary Condit




KISS Army Lieutenant Demoted to Corporal

DETROIT (DPI) - Detroit muffler salesman Joe Rockingham was demoted from lieutenant to corporal in the KISS Army after it was discovered by superiors that he had publicly denied being a fan of the legendary rock group on three occasions. The denials began when he was overheard agreeing with an elderly customer who had commented that she was "glad to see music changing from that satanic band KISS and toward nice boys like *NSYNC." Coworker Doug Johansson, a general in the KISS army, overheard the comment and began documenting the traitorous act, telling reporters, "We can't let this slide, or we end up becoming a parody of a real group of fans."

(Reported by Ross Brown)


Businessman Sues Self for Sexual Harassment

EVANSVILLE, INDIANA (DPI) - Local businessman Chad Komen filed suit in circuit court this week, charging himself with sexual harassment at his place of employment. Komen, owner of an accounting firm, stated that the alleged harassment has taken place over the last 18 months. "I became aware that I was taking an unusual interest in how I dressed to come to work," Komen stated before a judge. "I caught myself 'checking me out' every time I'd enter the office. At first I thought nothing, but then I was finding more and more frequent excuses to be alone with myself, and often complimented myself on my appearance. I was flattered at first; and then the touching began."

(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)


Teenager Surprised to Discover Sex Doesn't Solve All Her Problems

FULLERTON, CALIFORNIA (DPI) - Lorraine Robinson, a 15-year-old sophomore at Fullerton High School, was surprised to discover that giving in to her 16-year-old boyfriend's demands for sex did not, in fact, solve all her problems and transform her life into the fairy-tale bed of roses she'd always dreamed it could be. "Bobby seems a lot happier, sort of, except now all he wants to do is, like, have sex. Before, we'd sometimes go some place, like the mall. Now the only thing we talk about is whose parents aren't home right now. This isn't like the movies at all."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)



  World News
¤ Male Brain Evolving into Porn-Viewing Device
¤ Argentina's President Fears P'Zone Coup d'État
¤ Fresh Troops Sent Home from Afghanistan: "Not Fresh Enough"
¤ Milosevic Trial Stalled by Elderly Attorney in White Suit
¤ Taliban Fighting to Their Deaths as They Learn of New Kabul Denny's
¤ "Good Old Days" Actually Cold and Sickly

  Domestic News
¤ Justice Thomas Alphabetizes Porn Collection
¤ Kevin Meaney's Mother: "Fighting with Airport Security, That's Not Right!!!"
¤ "Bin Laden Getting Sodomized" Joins "Fuck Saddam" T-Shirt in Goodwill Store
¤ Paula Jones Reveals Self as Do-Anything-for-a-Buck Type
¤ Condit Scores 25 on Chandra Levy "Friend Test"; 95 on "Liar Test"
¤ Cracker Barrel Adds Whitened Whitefish to Menu

  Local News
¤ Classic Rock Stations Warned: Nobody Likes THAT Much Skynyrd
¤ Wabbit Kiwwed in Fweak Speawing Accident
¤ Vegetarian Lesbian Doubly Violated After Accidental Taste of Pepperoni
¤ Stuckey's Celebrates 2000th Nutlog Sale
¤ Socially-Conscious Couple Adopts Korean Highway
¤ Playboy Found Under Mattress Solves Mother's Laundry Mystery

  Entertainment
¤ Homer Heche Laffoon Strangles Mom with Bunny Mobile
¤ Nervous Ted Koppel Adds "Stupid Political Leader Tricks" to Nightline Format
¤ Willie Not Told About Waylon
¤ "Campy or Just Crappy" Debate Rages On
¤ Bassline Funky

  Sports
¤ Typo Gives Dick Cheney Extension to Coach NY Knicks
¤ NBA Funnyman Jayson Williams Kills, Slays
¤ Shaq's Secret Weapon: That Fucker's HUGE!!
¤ NFL: Some Convicted, Some Acquitted, Bunches Go Free
¤ ACL Tear Agony Headlined on ESPN
¤ Houston Texans Already Suck




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