Baghdad Times Movie Review
by Al-Ishtar Highins

Professor, Studies for the
Advancement of the Weaker Gender
University Of Baghdad


   Oscar Watch

This week, those murderous dogs in America will celebrate their celluloid glorifying of hedonistic pleasure by giving gold statues to actors that oppose their government's tyrannical invasion of our blessed land. These are my predictions for the winners of this sacrilegious ceremony.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates exposed her blessed body to the masses, ensuring her a place in Hell along with making sure she won't win. Meryl Streep came very close to doing the same thing. I have never heard of Julianne Moore, but my students tell me that she displayed her sacred triangle of life in a movie called Short Cuts, so she will suffer the eternal damnation of the sinner. Catherine Zeta Jones apparently shares her blessed body with a decrepit skeleton, so the winner will be Queen Latifah. Even though she is American, she is a Queen after all, and royalty are blessed.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
I have never heard of John C. Reilly, but the Irish are godless dogs, so he won't win. Chris Cooper played a heretic who desired to lie with other men in American Beauty, so he will suffer the wrath of Allah in the afterlife. Ed Harris is a wonderful actor, even by Western standards, so he's out. Christopher Walken scares me. Paul Newman, however, is responsible for a wonderful dressing that tastes great with hummus, and is the only good thing ever to come out of America. He'll win. Allah dictates it.

BEST ACTRESS
Diane Lane is a whorish adulteress in her movie, so she will taste the fires of Allah and lose as well. Renee Zellweger plays a woman who dares to raise arms against her male superior, so if she wins Allah will smite us all. I've already discussed what will happen with that godless heathen Julianne Moore, who wants the world to see her womb. Nicole Kidman, on the other hand, presented a nuanced, genuine performance with a fake nose ... and if there is a special torture waiting in the afterlife for Michael Jackson, I fear the same will await Kidman. I predict Salma Hayek will win, for showing the world her achingly perfect monobrow.

BEST ACTOR
Adrien Brody plays a Jew, so Allah won't allow him to win. Nicolas Cage spills his sacred seed many times in Adaptation, which is an abomination. Daniel Day-Lewis is Irish (see John C Reilly), and Jack Nicholson is now a mere parody of the man who once electrified audiences in Chinatown and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I predict the winner to be Michael Caine in The Quiet American, since a quiet American is what we all pray to Allah for every day.

BEST PICTURE
The all-powerful Allah will never allow a movie to win that glorifies the demon America, so Gangs Of New York and Chicago will never win. The Pianist is an abomination for its sensitive portrayal of the baby-eating Jews. The Hours was overly melodramatic and plodding. Therefore, I vote for The Two Towers, for its sensitive depiction of the Orc race. Orcs and Iraqis have a lot in common, after all: We're both misunderstood, we both believe in force to execute the wishes of our leaders, and we both want to see Sean Astin dead.