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 Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto Oscar Watch 2002 Best Actor: Will Smith, Ali I'm at a loss to really care who wins this award. After all, Hollywood will, as usual, simply award the actor with the biggest penis. Russell Crowe won last year for substituting a sword for his sword, but this year he tries to make us think that a man can be smart. I'm not buying it. Sean Penn has been waving his Madonna-scented phallus around for years, and I have to assume that everybody else is as sick of it as I am. Tom Wilkinson's performance in In the Bedroom was a tour-de-force of quiet dignity that cannot be ignored -– however since his character rarely stood up to his overbearing wife, the voters will declare him pussy-whipped. The real cockfight here is between Denzel Washington and Smith, both violent performances like Crowe in Gladiator. Since Smith uses his fists instead of a gun, I predict that the Academy will reward the physical embodiment of a penis over the mechanical. Best Actress: Halle Berry, Monsters Ball Of course, as usual, here is your stereotypical girl's club. Instead of strong wymyn, they've chosen to nominate a whore (Kidman), a slut (Zellweger), a poor woman (Berry), a bitch (Spacek) and a gifted writer dying of a terminal disease (Dench). Dench is out -– Hollywood hates a strong woman. Zellweger's character is strong as well, but since her battles are mainly about finding a (ugh) man, I can't go that route. Spacek's too old, so the penis-machine will never recognize her. This means it's a toss up between Kidman and Berry. They'll give it to Berry for showing her breasts. Again. Best Supporting Actor: Ian McKellen, Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring More men. Let's see what we have here. Ben Kingsley as a psychotic man (aren't they all?) may hit too close to home to the Hollywood cock brigade. Jon Voight's toupee did more acting than he did, so he's out. Jim Broadbent gave the performance of a lifetime, but since the penis parade has never heard of him, he's out, too. That leaves another phallic contest between Ethan Hawke's gun and Ian McKellen's enormous staff. Edge to McKellen for two reasons -– his staff (read penis) is huge, and there's not enough cocaine in Hollywood to get anyone to seriously vote for Hawke. Best Supporting Actress: Kate Winslet, Iris Maggie Smith was an old bitch in Gosford Park, and that's how Hollywood loves to portray us. Nevertheless she's out, as she might seem too strong. Helen Mirren is too English, and Marisa Tomei too annoying, to garner any real votes. Jennifer Connelly didn't so much act as poke out her firm, voluptuous bosom a lot, so she might have a shot, albeit a longshot. They'll give it to Winslet for showing her breasts. Again. Best Picture: Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship of the Ring Gosford Park features an enormous cast of strong-willed wymyn, so it's out. In the Bedroom features a strong womyn, so it's out, as is A Beautiful Mind. Moulin Rouge's strong womyn is a whore, and she dies, so it could upset, but watch for Lord of the Ring's constant cockfighting to take the prize hands down. The only female characters, while strong, are mythical creatures. That's right…once again, Hollywood wants to tell us that a smart, strong womyn is a figment of our imagination! There's a reason why the Oscar is shaped like a disgusting naked man, you know. Hollywood once again lets us down. |
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