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March 21-25,
2005

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March 22, 2005

McGwire Denies Steroid Use, Refuses to Name Player on First

WASHINGTON (DPI) - When appearing before the House Government Reform Committee last week, Mark McGwire refused to answer congressional questions regarding who was on first base. Congressional investigators tried to trick the former home run king into revealing the name, asking, "Simply tell us what's his name." McGwire refused to be drawn in, replying, "I'm not here to talk about the name of the player on first base, or any other base for that matter." The Congressmen pressed, asking, "Look, when the player on first shoots up, who uses the needle?" McGwire held firm, saying only, "You've answered your own question, Congressman." McGwire then refused to answer a question about third base that the confused Congressman did not know he had asked.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

History Channel to Investigate Death of Julius Caesar

ROME (DPI) - Following the success of previous forensic investigations into historical figures such as Christopher Columbus, Nefertiti and King Tut, the History Channel has announced that they will launch a similar investigation into the untimely death of Julius Caesar. When told that the world accepts as fact the notion that Caesar was assassinated when a circle of close confederates stabbed him 19 times on the Ides of March in 44 B.C., project coordinator and program narrator Bill Kurtis acknowledged such. When asked why the History Channel is expending its resources on this Caesar investigation, Kurtis sheepishly admitted that his network is running out of Hitler footage.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Congress Votes to Save Star Trek: Enterprise From Cancellation

Sri Lankan Dinner Triggers Massive Poo-nami

Yemen Quiet. Too Quiet.

Rebecca Romijn to Undergo Radical De-Stamosing Procedure

FDA: That "Shit" You Have May No Longer Be "Wack"

You Have All Divorced
Yourselves From Reality!

A guest Probeatorial
by James D. Guckert

For quite a few weeks now, I've been taking it like a man -- but this old Marine has reached his limit of the liberal media's relentless attempts to assassinate my good name. Any time the name "James D. Guckert"" gets printed these days, some variation of the phrase "gay prostitute" is sure to follow. Well, I don't know where they get this filth, but it's high time I set the record straight.

Listen carefully to the following words: I. AM. NOT. GAY! I am an honorably-discharged ex-Marine -- gays don't get honorable discharges from the American military. When somebody says I'm gay, he or she is saying the United States Armed Forces either failed to detect an infiltrator or willfully neglected its own rules. That's typical for Democrats -- always bad-mouthing the military that keeps them free!

The fact is that the whole "hotmilitarystud.com" thing was horribly misunderstood. I was NEVER a gay prostitute -- I was a private performance-artist-for-hire whose most popular act was to put my dick in things. If the client asked me to put my dick in his flutterlng bunghole, well... it's his money! That doesn't make me gay OR a prostitute -– that makes me a professional performer responding to his clientele. American free enterprise is the world's most powerful economic engine and pleasing one's customers is its fuel -- all I was doing was keeping the gears well-greased.

(As for the reach-arounds, please. Are you trying to tell me you've never stroked your penis? That's all I was doing -– stroking a penis. It wasn't MY penis, but that's why it cost an extra twenty.)

There you have it: easy, simple, straightforward answers. Had the deranged liberal media had the man-marbles to ask me about this directly, I would have gladly given them this explanation. I, James Guckert, am not now nor was I ever a gay prostitute –- I am a good Christian conservative journalist -– and if you can't see that now, then you have all divorced yourselves from reality!

By the way, my new important-reporter-guy name is "Jeff Gannon" -- and if you still don't believe I'm not gay, ask my girlfriend. I met her in that summer camp I went to last year that you didn't. You wouldn't know her... she lives in Canada.

(Transcribed by Lars Eisenberg)

The Daily Probe Poll

Conservative bloggers claim to be the new power base in politics. This week the Daily Probe polled them to learn their views of things:

Who would you like to see run in the 2008 presidential election?

Jeb Bush - 31%
Hillary Clinton - 2%
Wonkinatrix@wingers.com - 45%

What do you think is the most important issue facing America?

Terrorism - 42%
Increasing budget deficits - 11%
The U.N./EuroDisney plot for world domination - 46%

What do you consider to be your most important contribution to American politics?

Fact-checking politicians' statements - 24%
Digging into politicians' past - 14%
Forwarding pictures of Hillary Clinton hugging Mao Zedong - 65%

What change would you most like to see in American politics?

Term limits - 7%
Restrictions on dissenting speech - 23%
More unemployed guys living in their parents' basements in charge of war strategy - 61%

What do you think of the mainstream media?

Liberally biased - 36%
Fair and balanced - 14%
Under the control of the U.N./EuroDisney - 48%

(Compiled by Slick Sharkey)