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03/25/03 Front Page Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News from Travistan Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Advice from Strangers
This Week's Guest
Hajia Mariam Abacha,
Wife of Nigerian Official Hiram James Abacha
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Dear Mrs. Abacha, While going through the credit card bills a few months ago, I discovered charges to a private strip club on my husband's card. They were dated during a week when he said he was working late. When I confronted him he tried to deny any wrongdoing, but eventually admitted he had been going to the club and promised it would never happen again. What can I do? I feel I cannot trust my husband any more, and I keep wondering what "nocturnal activities" of his I *don't* know about. Cecilia in Syracuse MY DEAR FRIEND CECILIA; I, TOO, KNOW SOMETHING OF LIES AND DECEIT, HAVING BEEN MARRIED TO A HIGH GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL HERE IN NIGERIA. YOUR HUSBAND IS OBVIOUSLY SEEKING A LEVEL OF MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE THAT HE IS NOT EXPERIENCING AT HOME. I RECOMMEND THAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND FIND SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND EXCITING THAT YOU CAN DO TOGETHER. I HAVE JUST THE ACTIVITY. I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $35 MILLION DOLLARS IN A SECURITY FIRM ABROAD AS WHOSE NAME IS WITH HELD FOR NOW FOR SECURITY REASONS UNTIL WE FULLY COMMENCE COMMUNICATION. I SHALL BE GRATEFUL IF YOU COULD RECEIVE THIS FUND ON MY BEHALF FOR SAFEKEEPING. ADEQUATE ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR RECEIVING THE FUND. IT IS TOTALLY RISK FREE. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM. I HOPE TO INVEST A PROPORTION OF THE BALANCE IN YOUR COUNTRY. DABBLING IN INTERNATIONAL FINANCE AND GOVERNMENT INTRIGUE SHOULD PROVIDE YOUR HUSBAND WITH THE EXCITEMENT HE IS CRAVING AND GIVE YOU SOMETHING YOU CAN BOTH DO TOGETHER. HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. I REMAIN YOUR TRUE FRIEND, HAJIA MARIAM ABACHA Dear Mrs. Abacha My name is Brandi and I am 16 years old. My parents make me go to a Catholic girls' school because they are very religious and want me to be that way too. Two weeks ago I told them I was going to a sleepover party at a friend's house, but I spent the night with a boy from a public school. They found out. Now they won't let me go out of the house except to go to school or do my chores. What can I do? Sincerely, Prisoner Brandi DEAR FRIEND PRISONER, I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR PLIGHT, FOR AS A RESULT OF THE RECENT POLITICAL UPHEAVAL IN MY COUNTRY I HAVE BEEN THROWN INTO A STATE OF UTTER CONFUSION, FRUSTRATION AND HOPELESSNESS BY THE PRESENT CIVILIAN ADMINISTRATION. SECURITY AGENTS IN NIGERIA HAVE SUBJECTED ME TO PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURES. YOU ARE CORRECT THAT AT AGE SIXTEEN YOU SHOULD EXPECT TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ADULT. AT THAT SAME AGE I WAS THE WIFE OF A MILITARY OFFICER AND WAS AWAITING THE BIRTH OF OUR SECOND CHILD. I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU AN OPPORTUNITY THAT WILL PROVE YOUR ADULTHOOD TO YOUR PARENTS AND PROVIDE YOU WITH FINANCIAL SECURITY SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE HOME. DURING OUR CIVIL UNREST I PLACED A THE SUM OF $35 MILLION WITH AN OVERSEAS FIRM TO KEEP IT OUT OF THE HANDS OF THE REBELS UNTIL I COULD USE IT TO GET US OUT OF NIGERIA. DUE TO THE SECURITY NETWORK PLACED ON MY DAILY ACTIVITIES I CANNOT AFFORD TO VISIT ANY EMBASSY FOR A POSSIBLE SOLUTION HENCE I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU AND I DO HOPE YOU WILL BE THE PERSON GOD IS GOING TO USE TO RESCUE MY FAMILY AND I. AS A CATHOLIC TEENAGER YOU NO DOUBT HAVE A TRUST FUND WITH THE FINANCIAL ASSETS NEEDED TO RETRIEVE THIS MONEY FOR ME. I INSIST THAT YOU KEEP 30% FOR YOURSELF. PLEASE CONTACT ME SOONEST SO WE MAY BEGIN REACHING FOR YOUR FREEDOM AND MINE. I REMAIN YOUR TRUE FRIEND, HAJIA MARIAM ABACHA Deer Mizzus abacha I done jus inherrit 2 milyin dollers fom a uncle mine, and evreyone tell me too innvest it. I dont no enythingg abaut money but I heer that you do. Can you sugjest a good innvestmint for my money? Finansed But Ignerent MY DEAR FRIEND THIS IS SOME KIND OF A JOKE, RIGHT? I REMAIN YOUR TRUE FRIEND, HAJIA MARIAM ABACHA |
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