Pentagon Believes Iraqi TV Tape of Saddam May Not Be Recent

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Fox Kids Makes War Fun for Children of All Ages

NEW YORK (DPI) - The Fox News network is working together with its affiliate FoxBox TV to transfer the horrific images of war into a more accessible cartoon format. "Obviously we need to show coverage of the war in Iraq on all our channels 24 hours a day, and we think urban gunfights and prisoners of war are concepts best explained to children through animation," said program director Pete Klein. "According to the art directors, the images from Fox News will be directly converted into cartoon format, with the American-led coalition forces replaced by smart-but-playful chimpanzees and the Iraqi army becoming a cold and uncaring troop of robots. Any Iraqi child being used as a human shield will be portrayed as a puppy with the voice of Michael J Fox."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


U.S. Serviceman Treated for Sand in Asscrack

KUWAIT CITY (DPI) - Pvt. Eldredge Jenkins, a member of the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry, was in stable condition today after being flown from the Iraqi border with what he called a "huge wad of sand all creeping up (his) crack," CNN reported today. Desert warfare experts say the damage, which includes "getting all scratchy up there," is likely due to terrorist sabotage, most likely from groups allied with Saddam's feverishly loyal Republican Guard. Jenkins is being flown to an undisclosed U.S. base in Europe, where he will undergo a splashdown with a hose and some bar soap.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Toy Promotion Geared to Scare Fuck out of Your Kids

NEW YORK (DPI) - Federated Department Stores, parent company of Macy's Inc. (NYSE: FD) today launched its "Bathtime Terror" promotion with a new line of "absolutely fucking horrifying" dolls and scrubbies intended to scare the living hell out of your kids, according to a corporate spokeswoman. "The first character in the series, Tortured Forlorn Hellspawn, is available for $5 with a $35 purchase in any Macy's kids department through April 5th," said Yvette Briggs. Later in April, the department store chain intends to roll out additional characters, including Doggie Ax-Through-Head and Gonna-Eatcha-Up Guy. The toys are available while supplies last.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


U.S. Soldiers "Kind of Appreciate" Care Package From Peaceniks

BASRA, Iraq (DPI) - American GIs here expressed near-gratitude today for a care package sent by Berkeley students. "I don't know what to make of this shit," said a puzzled Pvt. Harold Coswell. "Like this box of cous cous. Is this some kind of anti-war statement or just included because it wasn't selling at their co-op?" Coswell was equally befuddled by other items. "You'd think they'd send a bunch of lonely troops the new SI swimsuit issue. Instead, they send this fucking Amnesty International calendar, filled with depressing pictures of oppressed people. A different culture being repressed for every month of the year. Fanfuckingtastic."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


La Leche League Releases Breast Milk Cookbook

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The La Leche League has released a new cookbook for nursing mothers who want to introduce their babies to new foods while maintaining the benefits of breast milk. Recipes for breast milk ice cream, breast milk cheese, and breast milk onion dip will be featured, along with other specialty dairy products. "People today want to give their children natural foods," said Mary Underhill, League president. "What's more natural than festive desserts and cheeses produced from your own body?" The cookbook also comes with larger recipes for entertaining. "A little breast milk casserole can feed an entire Mommy & Me class," said Underhill.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Liza to Cancel Anniversary Bash Due to War, Booze Binge

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Entertainment legend Liza Minnelli, 57, and her husband, David Gest, have canceled their upcoming first-anniversary gala because of the ongoing conflict in Iraq and Liza's recent fall way, way off the wagon. "The couple just felt the timing is bad with the war causing suffering for so many people," said publicist Howard Stein. "It'll also be a good time for friends and family to scrape Liza off the bearskin rug again, hose her down and send her off to the lovely Wernersville clinic that she loves so much."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Kittens Crushed by Errant Rainbow