American Idol's Simon Cowell
Advice from Strangers
This Week's Guest:
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)
I've been at my job for about six years. Recently, I was promoted and my new
boss is, well, he's gorgeous. He's good-looking, smart and articulate, and
he just makes me weak in the knees. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way
about me, but I just don't know how to approach the subject without putting
my career in jeopardy. Would inviting him for drinks be good idea?
Lusting in Lincoln
First of all, that is the worst -- the absolute worst -- advice letter I have
ever seen. I think you should find the names of all of your English teachers
from when you were in school and file a class-action lawsuit against them.
Really, really dreadful. This column is for people who need advice, and with
a performance like that ... I'm sorry, it was just so bad that it made me want
to gouge my own eyes out. This letter was Ann Landers-worthy maybe.
Potentially even Dan Savage-worthy. But you will never be
worthy here. I suggest taking up another hobby and not wasting our time any
I've been having trouble with my wife recently. It's like we don't
communicate at all any more. The problem is, I'm a pretty macho guy, and
it's never been easy for me to discuss fruity things like "communication."
How do I patch things up without seeming like a fairy?
Distant in Dayton
I take it back. LIL, I apologize -- THIS is the worst letter I have ever
read. It's like ... it's like a bunch of scientists took an ape, shaved it
down, put a crayon in its hand, and the result is your letter. As bad as it
was, you could take LIL's letter, throw it down a 100-year-old outhouse
channel, let it sit there for six months collecting waste, fish it out and
present it to me on the end of steel tongs, and I'd STILL rather read that
letter than DID's letter. Why ... why do you talentless Americans waste my
time? This is positively abhorrent.
I'm a Grammy-winning judge on a televised talent show. One of the other
judges on the show is the most
obnoxious, horrible little man I've ever met. I want to tell him what a tool
he is, but I'm afraid of tension on the show. How do I get the point across
First of all, Paula, it's patently obvious who you are. It's like you didn't
even put any thought into your letter. But more importantly, the sexual
tension in your letter is so thinly veiled it's incredible. I'll tell you
the same thing I told Randy: It's not going to happen.