Iraq Protests Lack of Name Taking
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Iraq's information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
complained yesterday that the Coalition Forces are knocking the shit out of his
not taking any names. "Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention
that sets the proper protocol for this?" he said. U.S. military
spokeswoman Brenda Renfro countered, saying complying with that request would take too long. "Taking names like Abdel Tawab
Mullah Huweish on all prisoners of war would cost us hours in paperwork," she said. "If we had to do that we'd still be only three miles over the border."
(Reported by Dave Henry)
Effigy Quality Dangerously Low
JAKARTA, Indonesia (DPI) - Of the dozens of President Bush effigies
burned in anti-war protests today, only a few actually resembled the
American leader. "I'm embarrassed to be Indonesian," said Hardi Johan,
"The strength of any protest can be seen in the quality of the effigies,
and as a professional effigy maker I can tell you most of these were not
done with care." Many of the effigies appeared to be only old clothing
stuffed with paper and a poor quality photo taped on
to resemble the head. "Those paper bodies could
represent any of us," said Johan. "We might as well jump into the fire ourselves."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Report: Iraqi Soldiers Dressing as Cartoon Characters
DOHA, Qatar (DPI) - Lt. Gen. William Wallace revealed in his briefing
today that many Iraqi paramilitary have been disguising themselves as
Disney characters and other beloved children's icons in an effort to
deter coalition forces. "Our soldiers are the best trained in the
world, but many are finding it hard to fire upon
squads of Big Birds and Little Mermaids, even when the cartoonish
combatants engage first," said the general. Calling the tactics "just another low in the
Iraqi fighting strategy," Williams was particularly upset with the Iraqi
group holding Basra. "We had to send an entire tank platoon to the rear
for decompressing because they're convinced they're the ones that killed
Bambi," he said.
(Reported by Davejames)
Captured Iraqi Cities to Begin Making Tribute Payments to Cheney
BASRA, Iraq (DPI) - In advance of Halliburton Corp. commencing its
fiefdom of the Southern Iraqi city of Basra, the town elders have
gathered their harvest, goats, and as many nubile virgins as they could
find to begin making tribute payments to Vice President Dick Cheney. The
vice president's office released a statement saying he would also accept
payment in bullion, oil or whatever other treasure was available.
"Triumphal parades can be very expensive," explained military analyst and retired Gen. Buck Shammer. "Plus, you have to
show a profit if you want to fund the next expedition."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Dora the Explorer Reported Missing
OVER-THE-MOUNTAIN, Calif. (DPI) - Intrepid preschool adventurer Dora the
Explorer was reported missing early this morning. Mrs. The Explorer called
police when she realized Dora's backpack was still hanging on the back of
her chair at the kitchen table. "She keeps a map in her backpack -- how will
she find her way around without her map?" she said. Local police tried to interview
Boots, Dora's constant companion, but there is speculation that he is also
missing. Authorities wish to interview Swiper the Fox, but caution that he
has not been named a suspect. Parties with any information on Dora should
go across the river and through the tunnel to the big brick police station.
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)
Thousands Duped in Cheap Daily Probe April Fool's Joke
Iraqis Torch Oil Fields, Request "Free Bird"
Adrien Brody's Nose to Star in Godzilla 2004
Suburbanites Plant Flowers, Vegetables, the Late Mr. Nibbles
Bush Practices Nation Building With Shitload of Legos
Science Unleashes Yet Another Onion Snack Cracker On Unsuspecting World
Science: Ari Fleischer Volunteers to Explore Outer Limits of Testiness
Coalition Forces Uncover Huge Cache of Inflatable Human Shields
The Daily Probe Map of Downtown Baghdad
God Strikes! Gaia, Vishnu Walk Out in Sympathy
Cheney Unconcerned Over Latest Defeat of Alaskan Oil Drilling: "We Have
Other Good Leads"
Bush Going Overboard With Ultimatums
Fans Rave Over Yanni's "Taking a Dump Onstage" Concert
SPOKANE, Wash. (DPI) - Yanni fans received a rare
treat as the New Age Adonis performed a concert on
PBS last night, emptying the contents of his bowels as part of his new tour.
"I thought that 1999's 'Casual Urination' show
was great, but it didn't hold a candle to this,"
gushed diehard fan Jennifer Wagner, her nipples
stiffening as she spoke. "Seeing Yanni squeezing out a
loaf was even more intense, more powerful than I could
have imagined. And the production was so incredible,
with the full orchestra, the state-of-the-art lighting
effects, and with the moonlit Acropolis in the
(Reported by Gus Harris)
PC Gamer Condemns Conduct of War
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - Arnold Meekins, frequent player of the strategy based
PC game "Civilization III," cannot understand why it has taken forces
over a week to seize Baghdad. "It's simple, really," Meekins said.
"With nothing but desert, armored forces shouldn't lose any movement
points at all. And M-1 Abrams, which probably have at least 16 attack
points and 10 defense points, should waltz right through Iraqi
irregulars. At a healing rate of one point per turn, one tank should be able
to take on
battalions. If I were V Corps commander, this thing
would have been over three 'control-shift-A's' ago!"
(Reported by Davejames)
Annoyed Driver Decides to Oppose War
CHICAGO (DPI) - Chicago-area insurance salesman Charles Barledge
would tell you he's not a politically-minded fellow, but his views
changed suddenly and abruptly this morning when anti-war protesters
lay down in the busy intersection in front of Barledge's car.
Barledge found himself convinced. "When I saw how eagerly and
efficiently they irritated me, making me late for work and causing my
third write-up since last summer, I couldn't help but oppose this
inhuman war," said Barledge. "Peace now!" Barledge plans to join in
with the protesters himself "one of these days."
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)