Iraq Protests Lack of Name Taking

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Iraq's information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, complained yesterday that the Coalition Forces are knocking the shit out of his country and not taking any names. "Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention that sets the proper protocol for this?" he said. U.S. military spokeswoman Brenda Renfro countered, saying complying with that request would take too long. "Taking names like Abdel Tawab Mullah Huweish on all prisoners of war would cost us hours in paperwork," she said. "If we had to do that we'd still be only three miles over the border."

(Reported by Dave Henry)


Effigy Quality Dangerously Low

JAKARTA, Indonesia (DPI) - Of the dozens of President Bush effigies burned in anti-war protests today, only a few actually resembled the American leader. "I'm embarrassed to be Indonesian," said Hardi Johan, "The strength of any protest can be seen in the quality of the effigies, and as a professional effigy maker I can tell you most of these were not done with care." Many of the effigies appeared to be only old clothing stuffed with paper and a poor quality photo taped on to resemble the head. "Those paper bodies could represent any of us," said Johan. "We might as well jump into the fire ourselves."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Report: Iraqi Soldiers Dressing as Cartoon Characters

DOHA, Qatar (DPI) - Lt. Gen. William Wallace revealed in his briefing today that many Iraqi paramilitary have been disguising themselves as Disney characters and other beloved children's icons in an effort to deter coalition forces. "Our soldiers are the best trained in the world, but many are finding it hard to fire upon squads of Big Birds and Little Mermaids, even when the cartoonish combatants engage first," said the general. Calling the tactics "just another low in the Iraqi fighting strategy," Williams was particularly upset with the Iraqi group holding Basra. "We had to send an entire tank platoon to the rear for decompressing because they're convinced they're the ones that killed Bambi," he said.

(Reported by Davejames)


Captured Iraqi Cities to Begin Making Tribute Payments to Cheney

BASRA, Iraq (DPI) - In advance of Halliburton Corp. commencing its fiefdom of the Southern Iraqi city of Basra, the town elders have gathered their harvest, goats, and as many nubile virgins as they could find to begin making tribute payments to Vice President Dick Cheney. The vice president's office released a statement saying he would also accept payment in bullion, oil or whatever other treasure was available. "Triumphal parades can be very expensive," explained military analyst and retired Gen. Buck Shammer. "Plus, you have to show a profit if you want to fund the next expedition."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Dora the Explorer Reported Missing

OVER-THE-MOUNTAIN, Calif. (DPI) - Intrepid preschool adventurer Dora the Explorer was reported missing early this morning. Mrs. The Explorer called police when she realized Dora's backpack was still hanging on the back of her chair at the kitchen table. "She keeps a map in her backpack -- how will she find her way around without her map?" she said. Local police tried to interview Boots, Dora's constant companion, but there is speculation that he is also missing. Authorities wish to interview Swiper the Fox, but caution that he has not been named a suspect. Parties with any information on Dora should go across the river and through the tunnel to the big brick police station.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Spring Heralds Return of That Weird Smell From Under the Stoop