Bush Going Overboard With Ultimatums
WASHINGTON (DPI): Fresh from his speech giving Saddam Hussein a
48-hour deadline to leave Iraq, President Bush has become emboldened to
create deadlines for every facet of his life.
The new approach is not receiving universal acceptance.
"It's one thing to set an ultimatum for tyrants like Saddam or Castro or
North Korea's Kim Jong Il, but when he
tells me I've got 48 seconds to get in bed and get naked, then he's gone
too far," said first lady Laura Bush.
Others who have fallen in his path include the Domino's Pizza delivery guy who
was given 48 minutes to "get that pizza here and past security or I
ain't paying" and a waitress who was sternly warned not to put any
mayonnaise on his chicken sandwich.
As the conflict with Iraq progresses,
Bush plans to expand his use of the ultimatum to other world
leaders. He has given Mexican leaders two weeks to make their water
drinkable for American tourists without fear of diarrhea. Switzerland
must supply the Bush family with Godiva chocolates and those "cool
little knives" and Scotland has one week to destroy
all those "damn annoying bagpipes." Countries around the globe have
also been seriously warned about taking back their native hockey players
for the next Olympic team. "Once they start playing in the NHL,
they're ours," said White House spokesman Ari Fleisher. "NATIONAL Hockey
Even American leaders are beginning to fall prey to what psychologists
call "orelseitis," an uncontrolled urge to demand certain actions from
others "or else." Sen. Ted Kennedy has 24 hours to stop speaking in
gibberish and start articulating without a Boston accent. Senate
Minority Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota has six months to add
Bush's head to Mount Rushmore, and Minnesota Gov. Jesse
Ventura has been required to wear his old pro wrestling outfits whenever
he speaks in public. "That last one I just threw in for the fun of it,"
(Reported by Buddy Fisher)
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