CURRENT ISSUE 4/2/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: Steven Seagal Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Cartoon Characters Accuse Priest of Molestation HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - A group of cartoon characters from the 1960s through 1980s has filed a class-action lawsuit against the Saint Hollywood Catholic Church, alleging that they were all molested by priests when they were still children. "We have kept these atrocities hidden for far too long," announced a tearful Astro Boy during a press conference called to announce the lawsuit. "It is time to shine our powerful spotlight eyes upon this dark and sinister secret." The characters are represented by their attorney, Space Ghost, himself a victim of priestly molestation. "My clients have suffered something greater than running headfirst into a fake tunnel painted on a stone wall or having an anvil dropped on their heads, and they intend to see that justice is done." Other characters concurred. "My whole life is a metaphor for how I've been fleeing those terrible events," added Speed Racer. "Not even my Mach-5 can outrun the pain I feel inside." The church hoped a last-minute apology might assuage the cartoonies. "Words fall woefully short when commenting on stories about the abuse of zany, wacky cartoon characters by clergy," church officials said in a prepared statement. The naive young cartoon characters were allegedly kept quiet with candy and treats offered by the priest in question, Father Simon Bar Sinister. Mushmouth, from the Fat Albert gang, claimed, "Welba, heba promisedba meba someba Jell-Oba Puddingba ifba iba keptba quietba." "Dude, he would offer me all the pizza I could eat if I didn't tell," said Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles member Michaelangelo. "Re rempted re rith Rooby Racks!" said canine star Scooby Doo. "Zoinks!" added friend and owner Shaggy, "He, like, totally abused the Scoobster!" Father Bar Sinister remained unrepentant, saying, "I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!" (Reported by Chris White, George MacMillan and Chuck Sawyer, Graphics by Chris White)
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