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4/2/02 Front Page Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: Steven Seagal Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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The Daily Probe's March Madman Tournament Bracket |
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vs. Jeffrey Dahmer  
Talk about contrasting styles! Nobody may know what's eating Howard, but that's not exactly the problem with Jeff. Dahmer certainly has the chops, so to speak, at enticing and drugging young men -- but that didn't matter one iota in this first-round matchup because Beale eventually exploded on his own. |
vs. Mike Tyson 
Fuck the Nevada State Athletic Commission -- let's get it on! This was one of the most entertaining matchups in years, with two cannibals going head to head. Despite losing both ears in the first half, Dahmer held on to win by a nose. |
vs. Howard Hughes 
They don't come much stranger than these two champions of weird. Head-in-the-fridge Jeffrey went up against block-out-the-sunlight Howard. The older, smaller Hughes put forth a scrappy effort against the man-eater, but alas, it was for naught as Dahmer made good on his pledge to eat Hughes for dinner. |
vs. Charles Manson 
This year's championship game will be remembered as Sicko versus Psycho. Vegas oddsmakers have anointed Manson as a solid 8-5 favorite, but Dahmer has reportedly hired Hannibal Lecter as a motivational coach, which should inject some high drama into this matchup. Although Dahmer's 18 murders dwarfs Manson's total, don't discount the fact that Chucky is a musician. |
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vs. Rasputin 
Got to hand it to the seeding committee again on this one -- once you've seen it, can you imagine a finer first-round match up for the wigged-out ex-heavyweight champ than a Russian wacko who's harder to kill than a shoebox full of cockroaches? Luckily, Madman Mike grabbed a burger *before* the fight this time, and thrashed the Ruskie soundly. |
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vs. Dr. J. H. Kellogg  
While everyone knows Perot is a raging nutjob, Kellogg was a dark horse -- inventing breakfast cereals is harmless enough, but when he tried to hit H. Ross with the old oxygen enemas and anesthetic-free circumcisions "enjoyed" by his sanitarium patients, the breakfast magnate came up a bit soggy. |
vs. H. Ross Perot
If I were a rich man, daidle deedle daidle digguh digguh deedle daidle dum; All day long, I'd do crazy-ass shit -- if I were a wealthy man! This first-round match pitted two billionaire nutjobs head-to-deranged-head in a classic. Despite being dead for 26 years, Howard Hughes soundly defeated a babbling Perot. Hughes used his footlong fingernails and tail-length beard to scratch and tie up the helpless Perot, who demanded to speak to Larry King. |
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vs. J. Edgar Hoover 
On paper, this looked like a cake walk for the vindictive, paranoid, closeted cross-dresser, but Hughes has ways -- sneaky, underhanded ways -- of getting what he wants. Hoover got his goose thoroughly spruced in the second half. |
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vs. Andrea Yates  
Emotions ran high here, as parent-whacking Lizzy squared off against kid-dunking Yates. This was the sort of matchup that restores one's faith in the seeding committee, with Yates holding Borden under to take the victory. |
vs. Andrea Yates 
These are two confused chicks, no doubt about that! A pair of earplugs would have come in handy for this one, folks, because there were more voices in the house than most dogs can hear. You think you're confused about love? Not nearly as much as these two. Yates grabbed the win when she caught Heche off-guard by pretending to change sexual orientation. |
vs. Andrea Yates
A battle for the ages, with two supreme nutcases gunning for a berth in the final. Yates took an early lead on the strength of her complete disconnection from reality, but Nutty Chuck came storming back by sheer force of wack to claim the victory. |
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vs. Mariah Carey 
Glitter vs. Gutter. Two women from outer space went at it wacko-a-wacko for all the missing marbles. Heche prevailed when Carey became exhausted. |
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vs. Ed Gein 
In terms of over-the-top batshit craziness, Gein would seem the favorite. Peeling dead women to make Mommy jumpsuits? Okey-dokey, there, Ed! But Manson's used that evil-crazy focus and drive that mere delusional sexual psychosis can't touch to eke out a win over Crazy Ed. |
vs. Dan Rather 
Rather came in a solid underdog, but confused Manson with a flurry of bizarre non sequiturs. In the long run, though, Battlin' Dan simply was not weird enough to subdue crowd favorite Manson. |
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vs. Matt Drudge 
Rather has been teetering on the wrong side of psycho for a good number of years now, while Drudge's delusions of relevance have had only a few years to fester. Dynamite Dan prevailed in an easy first-rounder. |
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