CURRENT ISSUE 4/2/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: Steven Seagal Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   ET the Extra-Terrestrial 20th Anniversary Edition Rating: 0 stars (out of 5) Anniversaries can be joyous occasions. Every year, most people celebrate the anniversary of their birth. Even I am not immune, as I choose to celebrate April 11th every year, usually with a nice vegan meal on College Street near the campus. (April 11th is the date when, 35 years ago, I first experienced the fragrant exodus of my blessed menses from my suddenly fertile womb.) Some anniversaries, however, should not be celebrated so much as reviled. Such is the case with the recent 20th anniversary re-release of Steven Spielberg's phallic magnum opus ET - The Extra Terrestrial This film is the cornerstone of the Penis Parade's never-relenting assault on the Sisterhood of Wymyn. The fact that it is aimed at children is simply further proof of their conspiracy of phallic domination. Take a look at the creature, for Lilith's sake! It is the physical embodiment of cock! The sad looking, wrinkled thing has a bulbous head that sits on a shaft-like neck. But wait! Every time he gets "excited," the shaft grows, elongating to massive dimensions! Come on, people -- the only thing missing is a foreskin! And it doesn't end there, sisters. Witness the long, wrinkly knob of a penis that doubles as the creature's finger! Nothing sickens me more than the disturbingly homoerotic scene when Elliot (Henry Thomas) cuts his finger. ET reaches his Johnson out to the injury, causing an ejaculatory white beam to shoot out and "heal" the wound! Hey, look kiddies! That disgusting man-batter that shoots from the tip of a trouser-snake is the cure for all that ails you! Long Live the Penis!! Because this is not a new release, I have been able to research the negative effects of this cock-wallop of a film, and I stand by my results. » Of the young wymyn I surveyed who saw this disgusting penile paean of a so-called film as a child (now aged 25-35), 97% of them have been reduced to either touching or seeing a penis before the age of 30. » Of the men I reduced myself to interviewing who saw the movie at the same age, fully 100% of them admit to touching their own rancid DNA cannons before the age of 18!!! It's clear, sisters, that ET may be the most identifiable indication of phallic dominance in the media yet! After all, it wasn't until after the release of this phallus-fest that we were inundated with further dick-waving in such films as Rambo, Porky's, Gladiator, and The Full Monty. Once again, sisters, you have been warned!
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